Scratch my back, Mecannycocker.

It`s nearly March and I sense that there is a whiff of Spring in the air. Yet another good start to a Peak District morning ... but like everything else in Mecannylad`s world,it remains relative.

If you want to get up at 6am to do 100 squat thrusts in the bathroom then that’s your business; if you want the full works for breakfast whilst taking in a beautiful view from the window then good for you too.

For me - I`ll have you know – a good morning is when Mecannylass has got herself off to work …. and I turn over to realise that I still have this soft warm thing lying next to me !!!

Down a bit .... right a bit .... up a bit ... that`s it.

I take no pleasure whatsoever in reporting this seedy tittle tattle... but Mecannylad is still going to tell you anyway !

It may only be a common or garden fish & chip shop in the most conservative of Peak District townships …. but apparently a couple of `ladies` from the bright lights of nearby Sheffield have allegedly been spotted attracting some local Friday night custom there with a speciality all of their own.

By all accounts they might as well hang their bloody red light over the front door of the chippy and be done with it. Unbelievable  goings on in this part of the world.
Those in the know tell Mecannylad that this classy pair had skirts up to their nostrils … you knew damn well they weren`t waiting for haddock and chips.

The very thought of it all puts Mecannylad right off enjoying mushy peas ever again !

Don`t talk to me about equality !

Mecannylad goes to the barbers and is charged … £3.50.
Mecannylass visits the ladies hairdressers and spends ... £80.00

Now that`s a new slant on good old fashioned equality. …. Cheezuz !

Don`t you think all those television cookery programmes have a lot to answer for?

“I was just going to knock up a little bit of poached salmon for tea”…. “Nothing too fancy you understand; nothing that's going to smell the house out.”

That's what Mecannylass said about the squid in Stilton sauce last weekend ….. and it`s no coincidence they had half the damn lane up outside looking for a gas leak the day after !

Sodom and Begorra.

“Did you ever get the plumber to look at your overflow in the vestry ?” asks Mecannylad of our jolly local village Vicar.

“Oh yes, he came the other day.He told me the pipework was a complete mess … rusted as Begorra, he said.” 

"Buggery; I think you'll find the word is Vicar.”
“Now you don`t expect a Man of the Cloth to be up on such technical plumbing terms do you my son?”

Bless you Vic .... Nice one!!

Give me a tube of good old fashioned Deep Heat and a rub down from Mecannylass anytime.

I don`t think I ever told you this before but my old friend Bo has been trying to persuade Mecannylad to give acupuncture a go on my dodgy knee.

I`m no fool; as far as I`m concerned acupuncture works simply on the principal of distraction. You`re hardly going to feel the bloody arthritis in your knee if some cranky idiot is ramming a damned darning needle in the nape of your neck. …. It`s the same reason your nose never itches when someone kicks you in the flaming shins. 

Acupunture my arse! They don`t fool Mecannylad….Nothing other than bloody glorified witchdoctors; that’s all they are.

Is it a wig … is it a toupee … or is it his hair ?

Mecannylad and Mecannylass were both in fine form as we were sauntering around one of our favourite haunts ... the local agricultural merchants in Bakewell.

“His hair looks nice. I wonder what he washes it with” pipes up Mecannylass randomly as she eyes up a fellow shopper.
“You`re kidding … you must be blind … it’s a bloody toupee; and a bad one at that.” I responded.
“What are you saying? It's not real? …. of course it's real … look at the parting. “ insisted Mecannylass.
“That's not a bloody parting. That's the crease where he folds it to put it away in its box at night” says I.

I had to laugh at myself as Mecannylass continued her serruptitious interest in this guy; shamelessly stalking him around the shop trying to determine the status of his bloody hair.She eventually caught up with him in the bovine suppository aisle ….. !!! …… and gave Mecannylad the nod to say that ….. it was indeed a hairpiece.

I told you so.

Jpegs, clothes pegs and bad backs !

Hilda started telling me about her bad back the other day. She had got to the fifth vertibra going north and then, half way through a most detailed self diagnosis, she suddenly broke off aplogetically saying she must be boring me . I thought , luck escape.  …..  and then, bugger me, in the next breath she started to talk about computers of all things !

Hilda obviously doesn`t know a jpeg from a clothes peg but the dear old soul is determined to get to grips with the `Kindling` (Kindle) bought for her as a Xmas gift. One of those new `electric books` as she so endearingly describes it !

If ever you bump into our octogenarian Hilda get her on about computers … she is a scream.

At my age if ever I were given the choice between my heart`s desire and beans on toast …..

…. Mecannylad would definitely choose beans on toast !

They say nothing is better than your heart`s desire ….. but Mecannylass is always telling me that beans on toast is better than nothing !

Mecannylad and Mecannylass were lying in bed together contemplating the start of another day and suddenly the early morning calm was broken ……

“Don`t touch me; I`m dead” she shouts. “I`m definitely dead.”
“What are you bloody well on about.” sympathises Mecannylad.
“I`m definitely dead. I can`t feel a thing” says Mecannylass.

Thankfully she`s calmed down a little now and is off to the bathroom to clean her teeth and sharpen her tongue …. Cheezuz Christ, what a day I`m in for today !!!

What a useless bit of introspection that was !!

Mecannylad has used the word `nevertheless` loads of times in this blog without having the slightest idea what it really means.

 So I have finally taken the dictionary off the shelf …. and it says `notwithstanding`

 I`m sorry, but when push comes to shove, I haven`t the foggiest bloody idea what that means either !!

Mecannylad shouldn`t have been so bloody rude but the poor young sod walked right into it.

If for any reason you suddenly deposit a larger than usual amount of money in your current account you can expect to get a `courtesy call` from your bank…. before you can say `where`s my bonus` 

The other day some money grabbing so-and-so from the Business Development Department of The Bank of Mecannylad had tuned in to the fact that there was a temporary wedge in my account; and of course they wanted to get their grubby hands on it before someone else did.

“So why are you calling exactly?” asks Mecannylad.

“Just a courtesy call really, sir. I noticed the healthy state of your account and wondered whether you would like an appointment to talk with one of our financial advisors ?”

“Courtesy call my arse … it’s a crude sales pitch” blasted back Mecannylad.

As I said earlier, I shouldn`t have been so bloody rude …. but it made me feel good !!

Mecannylad is old enough now to realise that it is not always appropriate to stereotype people ... or is it !? .

Take Scotsmen for example. They are traditionally meant to be careful with their money …… It`s bloody well true! There is this Braveheart who gets into our village pub for the last hour most nights . He never puts his hand in his pocket first. Never ever.

He`s so tight  … if you stuffed a lump of coal up his arse I bet you would have a diamond in a couple of days !!!

Red Adair, Fighter Pilot and Rock Star, all in the same day.

Our dear neighbours down the lane are away on a skiing holiday, leaving their spotty teenage son home alone .

Courtesy of volume ten on his X-box, yesterday morning it sounded as if he was drilling for oil; in the afternoon it appeared as though he was re-enacting the Battle of Britain and deep into the night we had to endure him playing backing guitar for Iron Maiden.

I`d quite forgotten what turned teenagers on.

Hopalong Cassidy the registered tarmac supplier.

Begorra, top of the morning to you too my man. There`s been a mysterious Irishman in our little village trying to flog a load of `surplus` tarmac of all things. I bet you a hundred quid to a whisp of my belly-button fluff that the stuff is knocked off. He couldn`t look any more like a cowboy if he was wearing spurs and riding a horse !

A tractor wheel, a sailor`s parrot and a manky sheepdog.

I have to report that Mecannylad was the victim of Farmer Rage yesterday when I was out walking my dog …. Just because Mecannycocker peed up the wheel of a tractor.

Boy oh boy; never heard such abuse in a long time. This feral farmer was effing and blinding like a sailor`s parrot. But before he could finish his tirade of abuse Old Macdonald`s manky sheepdog cocked his leg ….. and promptly peed up the other wheel of his beloved John Deere !

Touche!

All set for more Argie Bargie ?

I see those greasy, grouchy Gouchos are huffing and puffing over the Falklands yet again. They`ve now resorted to renaming their domestic professional football `The Belgrano League` in a cock-eyed attempt to get one back at us?! Seriously.

Mecannylad thinks its hilarious.(Puts a new slant on going down I suppose!) These tin-pot little Argies should go and stuff their boleadoras where the sun don`t shine. History shows that we know when it is time to go home. Naming their Premier League after a sunken battleship is …… er …… well …. whats got over the silly sods ?!?!

Well; I`ll be buggered …. !

Must give dear Hilda a call; I`ve not seen the old stick out and about lately. It`s probably only the bad weather keeping her indoors though; she was her usual mischevious self the last time we were chatting.

“I`ll have you know Mecannylad; I was engaged twice in the 1960s but never found the courage to pull the matrimonial trigger.”

“Infact,” teased old Hilda, “the deep pile Egyptian cotton towels I have in my bathroom are an engagement present and a constant reminder of lucky escape No1!”

…. Mecannylad will not be surprised if he hears more on this matter.... and perhaps is even introduced to the 50 year old  towels !

After thirty years together you would think that Mecannylad should now be able to read Mecannylass like a book.

But the fact of the matter is ….. when she is feeling poorly I still don’t know whether to send for a doctor or a drama critic !!

Merci beaucoup.

Like them or loathe them the holiday cottages around and about where Mecannylad lives always seem to be fully booked, even in the colder months. 

Naturally our village shop enjoys good business on the back of these holiday lets. Like the other day when an elderly French tourist – with only a limited command of English – led the store manager a merry dance asking for …… pepper.

Supplementing his pigeon English with some generous hand signals it became evident that our Gallic friend was after ….. Toilet Pepper !!

There is always method in a smart-arse`s madness.

This particular bloke - who is apparently something on long hours in the Civil Service - has, as long as I can remember, chosen to live rather reclusively in the big house on the hill. All of a sudden Mr I-want-to-be-alone is now trying ever so hard to ingratiate himself with the rest of the village. Something is up.

Methinks we can expect a planning application announcement tied to a nearby lamp-post sometime very soon !

Mecannnylad is not daft.

Can you believe it? Just got used to baby showers …. now we have damn puppy showers !!

Every other man seems to own a dog here in Eyam and as you can imagine the dog walking fraternity is a thriving little clique in this neck of the woods.

One of the few local cliques I don`t mind being a member of actually.

But you could have knocked Mecannylad down with a feather when I got my first ever invite to a puppy shower party the other day! Yes you heard me correctly …. a puppy shower party ! OMG.

The big question is; how seriously do I take this invite? What do you buy a dog owner who admits to organising such an event ..... or is it another bloody wind-up ?

Can I dance ? …. Can I shite !

All of a sudden my wife and I feel socially inadequate...... We`ve been outed .... Mecannylad and Mecannylass cannot dance. 

However, Mecannylad and Mecannylass must be able to waltz, foxtrot and tango by May 2013 for reasons that will become clear nearer the time.

We will be enrolling each of our four left feet for a full season of intensive ballroom lessons later this year! ..... cross body leads, kick ball changes and outside turns ... the whole job lot! Cheezuz Christ what have I let myself in for? .... There is no going back on this one !

I wonder, is there any other way?

Two of our village ladies of leisure – gloriously yet so unnaturally resplendent beneath their freshly coiffured purple rinses - were chatting in the Tea Rooms the other afternoon.

` I see the ladies hairdresser up in Hathersage has started doing all sorts of beauty treatments for the young ones now` announced our Deep Orchid lady rather disdainfully.

 `Ooh, I might try getting my nails done next time then` declared octogenarian Rich Lavendar, obviously excited at the prospect of breaking new ground at such a ripe old age.

 `I wonder if they do them while you wait?` she mused.

Mecannylad didn`t have the nerve to butt in and enquire whether there was any other way !!

When you lie down with dogs, you catch fleas.

And there’s no kennel filled with more mangey mutts at the moment than our golf club.

Too many members there seem to be the `wanker banker` type….. but that’s golf clubs for you I suppose.

Mecannylad caught a bunch of these ne`er do wells in discussion trying to justify their inflated salary structures the other day.`I don`t know what all the fuss is about.`spouted wanker No.1 ` Our pay is all fairly set through an independent in-house remuneration committee.`

Bollocks says Mecannylad.If you left bus drivers’ pay to an in-house committee of bus drivers; they’d all be on 500 grand a year as well.

Fore !!!

The pub landlord has his grumpy head on again.

Friday evening down the village local can be a lively affair at the best of times.

`Hang on a minute, I`ve only got two bloody pair of hands` blurted mine host as he wrestled with last orders.

He has as much command of the licensed trade as he has of the English language ! …or should that be the other way round ?!

I take it you don`t think much of them then !

I know by going public on this Mecannylad must surely live to regret it! ... but whenever I hear someone with a broad Leeds accent I instinctively want to lower their IQ by 100 points.

Perhaps I watch too much Emmerdale on TV !

You would think that living in such close proximity to them it would help if Mecannylad could see things from their point of view more often.

I can't seem to get my head that far up my arse though.

OK, so you don`t believe me !

Mecannylad was trawling the internet the other day looking for words to popular nursery rhymes … I take my fledgling grandfather role seriously I`ll have you know!!

I came across this strange little ditty : Mary had a little clam its fleas were white and slow.

Not heard of that one before , I thought ….. and then I realised …. this voice recognition software is not all its cracked up to be !

Come to your senses you silly buggers ….. give it up.

It doesn`t seem five years since Mecannylad came to terms with the fact that there are far more pleasures to be had in life than working for a living.

I did something about it .... but it saddens me that too many of my Peak District pals have not. They are still hewing away at their respective coal-faces well into their sixties. Bugger your pension pot ....that`s not what I call pleasure in my book.

Come on my friends ….. give it up …. you know it makes sense …. you`ve done your shift …. don`t let work interfere with your guilty pleasures any longer !

Nothing is ever as straightforward as it seems.

Joe, who farms down the Dale not far from here, has five daughters. They are a lovely family … five smashing girls.

`It was a coincidence with our first two but then my wife and I consciously chose christian names for our remaining kids that ended with the letter A` explains Joe, .....  `so that when I have to raise my voice to them their names trip more easily off the tongue !`

I`ll have to ask Olivia, Pamela, Nicola, Emma and Jessica whether their father is having Mecannylad on. …Ordinary people don`t do things like that …. he`s pulling my leg surely …. !!??