Cock-eyed, cock-sure and all to cock.

OK so youth unemployment is apparently an issue these days.
It`s no surprise. Just look at the cock-eyed logic shown by far too many of our cock-sure young men.
(Or is it cock-sure logic and cock-eyed young men ?) ......... Either way,what a load of balls they talk sometimes.
I overheard two acneed arseholes talking about work and careers the other day. They were `afraid of peaking too soon` … of `being too successful too soon.` Excuse me ! I think they might stand a better chance of becoming Captains of Industry if for a start they got rid of some of the scrap metal adorning their spotty faces and weedy frames. I`m talking about those hideous nose studs and eyebrow rings for example.
Cheezuz. Richard Branson and Donald Trump may have crap hairstyles but by God I bet they haven`t got bloody pierced nipples.

Peaking too soon indeed !!!!! I`ve heard it all now.

I`m happy to keep going , thankyou.

At my age you shouldn`t be surprised at Mecannylad being a wee bit introspective now and again.
After all, I know only full well how days that change your life start like any other …. there is no big sign written in the sky saying ` Hello, your world is about to be ripped apart today.`

So with a bit of luck I`ve got a few miles left on my clock still …. but as sure as night follows day my big end will go sometime. I am determined nevertheless to keep blowing raspberries at the Grim Reaper for as long as I can. You never know, scientists might just crack the code to old age for me to soldier on into a third Mecannylad Millenium .. and perhaps to eventually crack this bloody blogging lark !!

I`ll sign up to that.
 

Bandits at one o`clock.

Biggles - as he is known to Mecannylad - is one of our few Peak District pigeon fanciers. He has never been backward in coming forward; forever looking for an opportunity to bore anyone who cares to listen about how he paints roundells in the style of the RAF on the top side of his pigeon`s wings before a big race. 

Whilst Biggles` bird-fancying mates continue to lose a fair share of their racing pigeons to predatory larger birds during the course of a season; since starting his wing painting initiative Biggles tells us how he has regularly `counted all of his star birds out and all of them back ` in true combative fashion.

One of these fine days Mecannylad intends to pay a quiet visit to Biggles` loft …. or should it be hangar ?

I will report back…. if I am not shot down first !

Can you tell your neighbour we`ve turned his baked beans off !

Mecannylad`s neighbour, meek and mild old Tom, lives alone down the bottom of our lane.

He was making his favourite baked beans on toast for lunch on Sunday when two men in grey suits clutching bibles knocked on his frontdoor. Yes, you`ve guessed it …. Jehovah`s Witnesses.

A persistent lot at the best of times, these particular JW`s were obviously not deterred even by the filthiest of weather.Tom invited them into his porchway out of the rain although he tells me that he wasn`t giving them any encouragement.

After a minute or two the Bible Punchers were by all accounts - as they tend to – beginning to overstay their welcome.

So in desperation, absent minded old Tom `thought on his feet` and pretended to be late for a non-existent doctor`s appointment (on a Sunday?), stepped outside and rushed out to his car … and simply sped off !

Leaving the two Jehovahs behind … to rescue a pan of burning baked beans on the stove and to turn off his smoke alarm …… and then to call on me to explain what they had done when I next bump into old Tom !!

Jehovahs` Witnesses ? … Good Samaritans more like !

It could only happen in Eyam.

We haven`t used one for years but Mecannylass sent me out for some yesterday.

“They are all very much the same size still but you can get them in different colours these days” said the friendly shop assistant in Boots the Chemist.

“Some even have ribs on them.” she added without embarrassment or prompting.

And so, without too much fuss, off Mecannylad went happily home with .... two brand new hot water bottles !!

Mark my words.

Mecannylad wants to know why so many bloody young kids pass through `the system` these days magically untouched by anything remotely resembling respect. Kids who treat petty crime as a reasonable career option and who know that getting caught is not the same as getting punished. 

They are all laughing at us old giffers …. laughing at the people who play by the rules.

But their time will come.

I – and millions like me - may be long gone, however this unruly young generation will get their comeuppance. Mecannylad believes in historical fate.

A decision too far for Mecannylad.

As the golden leaves of late autumn tumble down on our pretty little village the tin-pot bureaucrats at Eyam Council face a major annual conundrum … are the leaves dry enough for Sid the Sweeper to tackle or do they go nuclear and deploy the A Team?

If the fallen leaves are dry and crunchy apparently then it is OK for them to be simply treat as litter and swept up by the on-duty roadsweeper. If however they are too soggy and wet then they are classified as a danger to road users and become the responsibility of the specialist Derbyshire District Council Highways and Byways Department`s `Hazardous Leaves Action Response Team` based 16 miles away in Buxton.

Mecannylad wouldn`t fancy the daunting task of deciding whether to call on the A Team or not  .... and I certainly wouldn`t want to be a member of this intrepid task force as they vanish up their own a**e -holes this time of year !!!

Ever tried to telephone your friendly local Police Station lately?

You will almost certainly be held in a queue…. and then probably told:
1. All our officers are busy at the moment ( no doubt filling in their overtime forms or suing each other for sexual or racial discrimination.)

2 . If you have shot a burglar, spotted a golliwog in a shop window or been accused of homophobia, stay on the line however and a helicopter and armed response team will be with you before you can say Jack Robinson..
3. If you are calling to report that your furniture showroom has been burned down by rioters or such like, then your call will certainly be transferred to the Indian sub-continent and someone might get back to you in the next 72 hours ….. if you’re lucky.

Welcome to community policing 2011  !!!

She is livid and wants heads to roll.

The white knuckle world of our Peak District Mobile Library Service is feeling the wrath of  Mecannylad`s intrepid pensioner neighbours. Dear old Hilda has been accused of not returning her books on time. She is livid and wants heads to roll.

“It`s all a big lack of pies” says Hilda indignantly.

An ordinary life every bit as dull as the rest of us

Mecannylad is still laughing yet !!!

On the night of the eagerly awaited AGM Mrs Bosomworth, chairperson of our local village sports association, brought the packed village hall to a standstill when she shot to her feet five minutes into the proceedings and suddenly announced that she had a chicken in the oven .... and duly p****d off home !

Priceless.

Sorry my son !

I never learn.Some of the worst mistakes in Mecannylad`s life have been haircuts. Mecannycocker is just back from a visit to the dog groomer. I foolishly gave her carte blanche expecting she would respect the breed …………. Now he`s more like a bloody Labrador than a Cocker Spaniel 

Disgraceful ….sorry my son …. my mistake … I`ll make it up to you with a big fat juicy pig`s ear !

Must admit ... there are not many like it around these parts !

Some are strictly functional, others are simply neutral; and there are the rare, elegant and aristocratic ones that transcend their function … become works of art … masterpieces … miracles of nature. 

 Mecannylad is talking about Pippas a**e … if you hadn`t already guessed ! 

 I`ll say it again … there are not many (any) like it around these parts.

The first and still the best ... whatever happened to Fanny?

If Mecannylad is force fed any more bloody cooking programmes on TV I think I`ll throw up  ...... 
I reckon we now have more so-called celebrity chefs than I`ve had hot dinners !  

Doe a deer, a female deer; ray a drop of golden sun …

Octogenarian Hilda is becoming quite a little celebrity in our village. No sooner is she back from her first trip abroad since the days of Edward Heath than she is now planning a weekend in Salzburg for their famous Christmas market.
`It`s where the Andrews Sisters made the Sound of Music` enthuses Hilda.

Keep travelling Hilda; Mecannylad can`t wait for the next gem from this intrepid adventurer. Bless her.

Bright red braces and matching socks, Old Spice and knitted ties.

Every single day Mecannylad comes across a cow.

OK …It`s not surprising perhaps, considering I live deep in the Peak District.
However, this Breitling wristed big city mover and shaker in bright red braces  and matching socks was holding forth in our pub the other day. He was telling everyone who cared to listen that most of us – whether in town or country - sees a cow every single day of our lives … or at least an image of a cow in some shape or form.

The peripatetic loudmouth, who incidentally reeked of Old Spice and wore a knitted tie, (are they both back in I wonder ?) convinced us all that our bovine friend  - more than any other animal, vegetable or mineral – sells.

Honestly, the things you talk about in the pub. 

So, you gullible lot, keep an eye open for your daily cow. As for Mecannylad. I say B******s . Never believe a man who wears Old Spice.
Know what I mean ?

I ask you .....what chance has Mecannylad got now ?

You know what it`s like whenever a bunch of excitable young people gather in the street these days .... be it verb, noun or adjective its invariably profanity after bloody profanity !!
Foolishly perhaps, Mecannylad has never been shy in offering our village youth the benefit of my experience with a few well timed fleas in their pierced ears. But what chance have I got now I ask you ?

I`ve recently heard that one of our learned High Court Judges has formally decreed that yobs should no longer be punished for simply hurling obscenities in public ……. because swear words are now so common they no longer cause distress.

All Mecannylad can say to that is …. Cheezuz Christ !!

Whatever next ?

Mecannylass is a sucker for new household gadgets and so I hope the hell she doesn`t clap her eyes on this latest piece of nonsense.
A computerised talking china dinner plate with a sat-nav type voice that tells people not to scoff their food. This silly bloody device apparently monitors the speed and the amount of food leaving the plate and quietly tells diners who gobble: ‘Please eat more slowly.` There is also a digital mini -screen which flashes up messages asking: ‘Are you feeling full yet?’. How naf is that ?

Mecannylad thinks that at almost £1000 a plate even Mecannylass will pass on this one.

Act your age.

Mecannylad has just caught a glimpse of Peter Stringfellow on daytime TV showing off yet another new young pretty thing.

Cheezuz Christ Peter Man !  ......Your hairstyle is older than your latest girlfriend. Get a grip will you !!

I feel better after that !

If ever you are persuaded to visit Mecannylad`s village pub you are likely to be overwhelmed with lovely people.
Beware however of this particular regular who always seems to be propping up the bar, his radar homed in on tourists. You will spot him a mile off; a red-faced, insignificant little s**t really with a tendancy towards holding court and to getting his dander up rather easily.
His mouth – never the most generous full-lipped of ­cakeholes – disappears into a mean little slit. He`s long since run out of patient locals who are willing to be bored by his exagerrations. `When I was here, when I was there; when I did this, when I did that; my top of the range this, my top of the range that.`
He is the sort you can profile a mile off ....If I didn`t know otherwise I would swear he once worked for my old company Experian !
By God ……. Mecannylad feels better getting that off his chest !
Now. What has this misty Peak District morning got in store for me ?

Up yours !

Mecannylad has noticed how Germany are starting to wave a big stick at us again, this time because the UK won`t readily bail out the sinking Euro any more than we already are.
They have a bloody nerve … Fritz always runs a bloody mile when it is suggested they contribute troops to the world`s trouble spots.

Calm it my friends; the last time you waved your big stick at us it went straight back up your fat arse !

It wouldn`t happen in my day.

OK, you little b******s, who put microwaevable popcorn down Mecannylad`s car exhaust pipe whilst I was parked up in the village centre yesterday.
I suppose that`s what to expect from kids who grow up with Google and Wikipedia the name of their parents !!!
Nice one though.

It`s shameful what grown women talk about on their night out.

The village grapevine tells me that Mecannylass apparently wants me to be reincarnated as a spider...  just so she can utter the words, "Oh my God, it's huge!"
Cheeky bugger…. (she dared me not to publish this !!)

I know you shouldn`t tell tales out of school but ....

Mecannylad`s daughter is a primary school teacher in Sheffield and one of her kids recently told her proudly;
“Miss I know how many women my dad is allowed before he dies?”
“Sixteen,” the little boy chirped  ... “It`s easy; all you have to do is add them up; 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

Old Hilda has got back from her trip to Paris with the Eyam Crochet Club.

Mecannylad bumped into her in the village post office this morning; she was exchanging what she had left over of her `European Communion Money` as she put it.
The old Dear seemed to have had a rip-roaring time. She told me that she took in an all woman can-can dancing demonstration (?) and was most impressed by the immaculate lawned gardens at the Palace of Versaille. …… “Just like billiard balls.” said explained !

What a canny old soul she is…… I could listen to her all day !
 

I`m likely to be the laughing stock of the village tomorrow.

Mecannylad made such a song and dance about wanting to watch a programme on primetime TV last night about insomnia of all things …. much to the chagrin of Mecannylass.
But I fell asleep on the sofa just as the opening credits to the programme were about to roll and didn`t wake up until the show was ending thirty minutes later !

….. I am now of course finding it hard to live down the irony of it all ! Unless there is some breaking international crisis overnight it`ll be all around the village tomorrow.

Just you watch.

Are you a `shoes off` or a `shoes on` person when it comes to receiving visitors ?

It really is the dilemma of all household dilemmas for a lot of us living here in the countryside.
All I say is, for Christ`s sake don`t make a song and dance about it; and certainly don`t stick up little signs and house rules in your hall or porch like some folk do.

You`ll never get Mecannylad making a return visit if you are one of those sad sods who does that ! ….. I don`t think you`ll be my kinda guy somehow !
 

The Poppy isn't a Symbol of Pride …. it`s a Symbol of Shame!

Most of us know that the famous Poppy Appeal is a worthy charity that supports disabled ex-service men and women.
Why though, do those who have heroically served Queen and Country need to go cap in hand to a charity for support? Shouldn't the government that recruited them, conscripted them and deployed them pick up the tab to fully care for them ?
The fact that Mecannylad has put a couple of quid into a collection tin to buy a poppy in order to ensure that disabled soldiers are looked after is a shameful reflection on the UK's policy for its war heroes!

The Poppy therefore shouldn`t be just a Symbol of Pride, it is also a Symbol of Shame! ….. Shame that a charity is doing what our Government should have a moral duty to do!
 

Mecannylad`s ire has been irked once again.

Again Mecannylad hears of even more Peak District schools where they have abolished failing grades….. where they give kids as many times as it takes to get the right answer.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

Get a grip man !

They say a White Paper is merely a Catalytic Converter to a better Society.

Maybe ….. but Mecannylad wants to know why so many White Papers in the UK still do little more than state the bleeding obvious.
The latest tome from our anonymous men in suits finds that British couples who argue a lot are more likely to divorce. Really? … well knock me down with a pre-nup!
This is no whimsical assumption, nor a trite passing observation. Not on your Nelly; Public Sector Researchers have spent 20 serious years – yes, 20 bloody years ! - following more than 2000 people every quarter to reach this alarming conclusion.
Scandalous…. I think I`ll emigrate to Greece…. or perhaps Spain … no Portugal. Make that Italy !!
Nah …. Come to think about it.

 ….. good old GB isn`t too bad after all.

Pie in the sky ?

Compared to many of my frequent flyer friends Mecannylad rarely has much need to get uptight about delays at airport security nowadays….. Believe it or not, I`ve been off the ground only twice in the last 13 years infact.
One of Mecannylad Flyer Friends in the know tells me that the Israelis - surprise, surprise - have the right idea as far as security goes  .... a system that, at a stroke, could eliminate the privacy concerns associated with full-body scanners.
It's a sort of an armoured booth that passengers step into. A booth that doesn`t actually X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have secreted in or on your person !!  
El Al sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. 
It also eliminates the cost of a long and expensive trial .....  and imagine it; you're in the terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly afterwards, an announcement: "Attention all standby passengers. We now have a seat available on flight 670 to London .

Shalom!"

Tomcat Toby has a lot to answer for.

“If my husband was alive today” said dear old Hannah ruefully, “he would have been dead twenty years ?!”
With the onset of another winter our inimitable old lady of Eyam is finding it tough living alone in her rambling Peak District farmhouse …. particularly since her beloved Tomcat Toby went missing recently.
Frugal Hannah has had to resort to paying for those nasty pest control people from the Council to come in because, as she puts it, `the mice are now breeding like rabbits?!`
Good old Hannah … the salt of the earth; and confusingly eloquent as ever.
Mecannylad wishes I was a pound behind her !
 

Don`t rattle this particular tin in front of Mecannylad

Mecannylad has noticed that our great country`s largest supermarket chain, Tesco, is about to end its support for the Cancer Research charity … and is now sponsoring a Gay Pride Festival instead.

I’m all for business giving back to the community and if Gays want to dress up as Carmen Miranda and mince up and down the street in nothing but their Armani budgies, that’s fine by me. But for this sort of exhibitionism to take precedence over support for cancer victims?

Dedicated follower of fashion.

Mecannylad was a slave to 60`s fashion when I was a kid so I can understand how important being trendy is amongst today`s fashionista fanatics.
But come on !! This baggy-arsed look for men`s casual trousers has to be a step too far. The vapid idiots who wear these monstrosities don`t look virile at all.

….. to Mecannylad they just look as though they have filled their nappy !!

Beware of South Bank Geordies.

Mecannylass was born and raised in Jarrow and comes from a long line of guilt mongers. Not a lot of people know that Geordies born on the south banks of the Tyne have been known to be purveyors of fine guilt for thousands of years. It’s one of their primary social techniques … and it’s a skill that certainly passes through the genes.
This is basically how it works: Rather than making friends and family feel good about doing the right thing; they get their pleasure from making others feel crappy about not doing it.

Look out for south-bank Geordies; they are flawed.

Regular readers will have of course recognised  Mecannylad as a north-banker!!

In the blue corner, weighing in at a disgusting 15st

Over the years Mecannylad has dragged up all the excuses under the sun …. like being large framed; big boned: a healthy eater … the lot. I am now,however,on a final warning.Not from my GP; not from the hospital and certainly not from Mecannylass ……….. she knows better !
As father of the bride it is time to get serious. Mecannylad has no alternative, starting right this very minute, but to impose a 12 month regime  to transform myself from Beached Whale to Brad Pitt !  (Well not quite now …. I`m off for one final drink in a minute !!)

This could be interesting. One way or another I am going to surprise a few people.

He is a big fat one indeed !

Mecannylad has never known such a defiant and confrontational mindset as that displayed by the owner of `my team`, Mad (Dirty Money) Mike Ashley.

Good old Jackie Milburn must be turning in his grave at the re-branding of St. James` Park ... or as Sir Bobby Robson referred to it ....`The Great Geordie Cathedral on the Hill’.

I`m sure if `Mafia Mike `could get his ­grasping hands on Westminster Abbey he would even try to airbrush that in someway too !!

Oh my beloved Newcastle United whatever is happening to you ?

As Europe slides towards bankruptcy.

On this day of all days Mecannylad is so, so proud of his soldier father who bravely contributed to the liberation of Europe in 1944.

Don`t the French get on your damned tits ! 

If it wasn’t for us British, President Sarkozy would be wearing lederhosen …. although of course he would have to get the straps altered.

Shut up you short arsed Frog !

Memo to a complicated Geordie mind.

Mecannylass can either ask Mecannylad to do something … or she can tell Mecannylad how she wants it done. Not both!

Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work; neither do obvious hints … Just bloody well keep it simple for God`s sake woman!

What a bloody good idea Mr Cameron.

I have read that our UK Government are to press ahead with some new Employment Law. There are plans to introduce what is termed as `Protected Conversations in the Workplace`
Under these plans either a boss or an employee could request a `Protected Conversation` with the other in which they could speak their mind without fear of it being used against them in a court of law or at an industrial tribunal later.
Mecannylad thinks that this is a bloody good idea and that a bit of retrospective `Protected Workplace Conversation` - albeit ten years too late - would be good for my soul right now.
So here goes ……… “Come up and see me sometime …you little over-promoted Scottish b*****d”
Now that felt good !

Lest we forget.

Way back in the dark days of WWII there was a time when invasion by Germany seemed inevitable. Our proud, stiff upper-lipped civilian population vowed of course to resist to the end in any way they could.
The true extent of the stern resistance planned by the villagers of the Peak District became evident the other day when a local farmer emptied an old barn originally belonging to his Grandfather. The Grandpa was an upstanding member of the Eyam Home Guard and his `mission` by all accounts was to confuse any German infiltrators by dismantling all road signs.
70 years on the barn was choc –a bloc with these old signs.
All in remarkable condition ….  So the next time you are at a crossroads in rural Derbyshire and unsure which road to take; you now know why.

Design brief.

I have been observing Mecannycocker`s strange canine habits for some time now.
Mecannylad has come to the conclusion that Mecannycocker is an aspiring underwear designer.
Does my mutt really think that the over 65`s market is ready for crotch-less boxer shorts just yet ?

Conundrum of the day.

It was my lucky day.... I think.
I pulled into the petrol station to fill up my gas guzzler of a 4X4 only to realise I had forgotten my wallet. Sod it !
By the time I went home, retrieved my wallet, and came back to the petrol pumps the price per litre had been ……………… wait for it ………. reduced by 5p !! 
Mecannylad is now wrestling with a major conundrum . Did I actually make a saving or has the cost of my return trip for my wallet wiped it out ?

This will bug me all day … I will inform you of my conclusions at a later date !

After five years travelling in these parts I really should have known better !

It was another lovely clear autumnal afternoon in the Peak District. The sort of day when you say to yourself , `Lets have the windows down; it could be the last time before winter sets in.` Then I felt what I thought was rain coming through the window and splashing on my specs. 

 Sods law for a second time today. As I wound up the window I looked over and realized I had just been overtaken by a fully laden cattle truck ….. with bovine mist freely drifting from it.

 Mecannylad has been p***** on yet again.

Cash in the Attic.

As is usual on all of these antique programmes on daytime TV these days Mecannylad tends to hear the obligatory `I bought this at a car boot sale for next to nothing and now here I am having it valued at £5,000`. 

When this happens it must be absolutely wonderful for the purchaser…..but why do these programmes never spare a thought for the poor bugger watching at home who sold that five thousand pounds vase for 10p in the first place ?!

Quiet please in the cheap seats.

Mecannylad has been mulling over in my head how long it has been since we went to the cinema. The two hours of silence required is two hours too many for Mecannylass I`m afraid !

Money to burn.

Jesus Christ walked on water, healed the sick, raised the dead and turned water into wine. And yet none of that seems as ridiculous as the fact that thousands of British pensioners who winter in hotspots such as Tenerife can still legally qualify to collect their non means-tested £200 winter fuel payment from our dear old Government.
As for Mecannylad ? …. my winter fuel payment goes on dog treats for Mecannycocker !!
Barmy.

Not so !

After all these years of practice Mecannylad thought that Mecannylass would be up there with the best of them ….. a streetwise, savvy shopper.
Not so !
Mecannylass is convinced that the self-service electronic checkout equipment in Tesco Express has some kind of a brain. She was quietly impressed when an obviously underaged customer in front of us was stopped from completing her alcohol purchase. “Eeh isn`t that clever !”   
Mecannylass obviously also thought that if these intuitive Tesco Express tills could stop under age kids from buying booze, they would also have the intelligence to allow a rounded mature woman of 49+ Summers, who reaks of Chanel No5 and Morning Fresh, to calmly complete her purchase of 2litres of Bombay Gin and half a dozen bottles of Chablis. 
Not so !
“ Now theres a bloody cheek” exclaims Mecannylass, “ putting me in the same class as that nubile 14 year old spotty temptress !? ”

Oh, and, by the way; whilst I`m at it. …. Mecannylass thinks that if a supermarket till can tell your age then a supermarket trolley should instinctively know where your car is parked !

Not a lot of people know that.

I see that dozens of eager jobseekers have been queuing overnight to apply for part time temporary Christmas jobs at Chatsworth Estate.
Mecannylad didn`t know that there were so many Poles living in the Peak District.

Where have all the family men gone?

Mecannylad is a worried old giffer.
Today, for the first time in the great history of our country, statistics show women are better educated, more ambitious, and more successful than men. Mecannylad of course rightly praises the rise of British women …. but what, may I ask, are we doing about the decline of our men?
For our boys of today to become men they need good old fashioned values and examples, but sadly only confusion reigns regarding modern manhood. Fathers are missing from boys’ lives in devastatingly high numbers….. and women are now accepting this situation as the status quo.
We need to fight back against this culture and send our younger generation a clear and achievable message of what it means to be a grown man. Mecannylad would like us to get back to promoting decent tried and tested family values …by taking the foot off the gas as far as women`s lib and gay rights are concerned.
 I am sure even today`s successful women agree with Mecannylad.....It’s time to bring back the real family man !!

She hadn`t crossed the English Channel since Edward Heath was Prime Minister !

There was this dear little old lady in front of me in the village Post Office today enquiring whether the exchange rate for French francs would be better than the rate for `that new European Money` as she put it !! Bless her.She was off to Paris with the local crochet club and was telling anyone and everyone who cared to listen all about it …. how she hadn`t crossed the English Channel since Edward Heath was Prime Minister…..???
“The last time I went it was by one of those aerosols” she explained, "but this time we`re going on a fancy train from St Pancreas" !!
I hope she has a nice time and hasn`t overlooked her passport.

She got one over me the other night !

For a good while now I have had this impression that a particular obnoxious, rumour-monger of a neighbour has been trying to winkle her way past Mecannylad`s threshold … for nothing other than to have a good poke around at `what we`ve got.` 

I actually feel really chuffed at having kept her at bay for all these years. How sad ! But she got one over me the other night …. it was Halloween.
She obviously thought that being in tow with a trick or treating young grandchild would be an excellent way to check out a neighbours' home. So she just let the little kid wander innocently in the front entrance, made a huge show of calling him back knowing full well he wouldn't respond and then acted all apologetic as she eagerly had to look in all our rooms in an effort to retrieve the little git.
“I`m so sorry about this” she says, “Oooh; I always thought that chimney of yours was for a wood-burner; that TV, is it LED or LCD; limestone tiles I see; Hmm, you`ve decided to conceal your beams then...... etc, etc.

Nosey old cow ... P*** off !

Forgotten your password or username ?

You bet I have.

While I don't doubt that computer security is important and the risk of identity fraud is real, Mecannylad`s life living on the threshold of dementia is being adversely affected by the plethora of restrictions to setting online passwords and usernames. 

 When all this stupidity started with PINs and passwords Mecannylad and Mecannylass could just about get away with it. But now … we have to consider case sensitivity on some sites but not others; insert a prescribed number of numerals on some sites but not others … etc after confusing etc. 

Currently little old me has accrued more than 28 different passwords and usernames by which I have to live my life and I am totally confused. I am now at a stage when I don`t know who I am from one transaction to the next ! … I'm ready to throw in the bloody towel.

For Gods sake can we have some password protocol out there without it compromising this old giffer`s quality of life any more than it already has.

Surely its not too much to ask………….

Chic : The quality or state of being stylish, fashionable,sophisticated and/or elegant

Tick follows tock and then someone rudely presses the bloody fast forward button !

Mecannylad will be celebrating his young bride`s 50th next year (That`s birth years, not marriage, please!) with a long weekend in a chic hotel somewhere. So Mecannylass tells me anyway !!

 What makes an hotel chic then ?
“It`s all a case of pampered surroundings.” explains an indignant Mecannylass.
“Like it means having a menu of 12 pillow types they’ll deliver to your room if you don’t like the  duck-down pillows already there.” 

What a load of twoddle ! I couldn’t even make up 12 different types of pillow ! …. but Mecannylass has already set her heart on the Tibetan Shepherd`s Healing Pillow ...`filled and fortified with natural, organic fertilisers.

I only hope that all this fancy bed linen doesn`t `get on Mecannylad`s bad chest.`

Sir Alex Ferguson would be livid !

Would you believe it ! Mecannylad has just heard that, after weeks of furtive training and a difficult search for a flat stretch of grass to play on, this weekend`s much awaited charity football match between two teams from our rival Peak District village pubs had to be postponed unexpectedly just before kick off when it was discovered that neither team had turned up with a proper football !!

Nice one .... stick to drinking lads !

Houston … we have a problem.

Mecannylad isn`t normally that interested in happenings too far from The Fatherland but if like me you believe in the fickle finger of fate then have a smile at this …
Recently fire authorities in Houston, Texas apparently found a body whilst damping down a forest fire. Tragic, but nothing ultra extraordinary about the circumstances you might think. This particular body however was puzzlingly dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks, flippers, face mask … the full works.
It transpired that the poor diver had been snorkelling off the coast, some 10 miles from the seat of the fire when the local Fire Service had called for helicopter support to dump sea water on to the raging flames.
You guessed it …... One minute our intrepid Jacques Cousteau wannabee was innocently doing what scuba divers do; the next he was being scooped up and involuntarily flown inland to be dumped on the forest fire…… water and all !

Now not even the Yanks can legislate for that …. but you can bet your bottom dollar that some unfortunate helicopter crew will be getting their arses sued off them !!

A dedicated follower of fashion ? Not likely!

As Mecannylad slavishly tries to stay one trot ahead of the four horsemen I am so glad I am not a slave to the fads of young fashion anymore.
Kids nowadays are exposed to so much more than ever I was in my heyday. I for one would find it so hard to keep up as they negotiate the hormonal bumps of being cool and uncool.
If the truth were known it`s not so much their clothes, but the faint trace of an adam’s apple that enables Mecannylad to tell the difference between the sexes these days !

Baa Baa black sheep have you any wool ? ... Certainly not !

As a new Grandad I`m brushing up again on my repertoire of nursery rhymes and kiddies songs.

I recall when Mecannylad was a young father way back in the early 80`s one of Mecannybairn`s favourite nursery rhymes was Baa Baa Black Sheep. Baa Baa what ??!! …. It`s Baa Baa Woolly Sheep now, thankyou !

Yes, and whilst I`m on about such things, Humpty Dumpty was never a fatist. I have great difficulty with this modern notion. Humpty Dumpty didn't break the wall because he was too heavy … he accidentally fell off the bloody thing for God`s sake. 

 The Old Lady who lived in the Shoe was definitely guilty of child abuse however - should she have been offered family planning advice in the first place I wonder? Whereas Georgie Porgie; he was most certainly guilty of bullying the girls and making them cry!

And last, but not least  ….The Hokey Cokey…. One of Mecannybairns favourite sing-along songs. I can`t believe that it now has a banning order hanging over it for being anti-Catholic. (left foot in; left foot out) ?!

Let`s not kid ourselves, Call Centres are for the Service Provider`s convenience and not the Client.

Call centres; I abhor them with a vengeance.
They go against everything Mecannylad has ever been taught about putting the customer first.

The number of obscure options they give you. Hell, it’s Who Wants To Be A Millionaire all over again ! When you finally plump for your preferred option you are still likely to get yet another four bloody sub-choices and only then (without resorting to asking the audience) might you be lucky enough to finally speak to an actual person. But wait for it …. the person on the other end of your telephone will have such an effected accent you won`t be able to bloody understand them anyway !!

And all this of course after you’ve been listening to fifteen minutes of Rachmaninov`s 3rd piano concerto in D minor ….it’s a reassuring touch to be told intermittently “your call is important to us”.

Really? …. they are having a laugh !

Now that`s what Mecannylad calls a proper haystack !

Please don`t upset the fat lazy bastards who don`t want a job.

Our local garage just down the road from Mecannylad has apparently been told that they can`t place their vacancy for a receptionist with the Job Centre using the simple phrase "hard-working" in the job description.

By all accounts some jobsworth plonker told the garage owner that these days those sort of words are discriminatory ….. presumably against the fat lazy young bastards who don’t want to work.

Fish Fingers

Mecannylad will be dining on fish fingers for lunch today... I`m not proud; they are my boyhood favourite!
`Caught from the clear, cold waters of the North Sea` … so the advertising blurb goes.
Yeah right ! The same North Sea that is one of the busiest shipping lanes in the world with all of its ferries and super tankers spewing oily bile 24/7

I still love fish fingers though !!

They are at it again with their crazy political correctness

It`s just come to Mecannylad`s notice that the school kids here in the Peak District will no longer be deemed to have failed any of the exams they take…. They will be informed that they are a `deferred success` instead !
A `deferred success`??? …. What an utter load of tosh ! What`s bloody well wrong with the word `failed?`It leaves you in no doubt.

Come on, divorce lawyers will be asking how many deferred successful marriages we have all had next.

This is something Mecannylad needs to remember if ever there is a next time.

Mecannylad was invited to take tea with the local Vicar the other day.
Ooooh! …Who`s an upstanding little parishioner then ?!
I couldn`t imagine what he wanted to see me for. Infact at times I am sure that Mecannylass thinks I am the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition !
Nevertheless, it actually turned out to be quite an uplifting hour … but, by God was it uncomfortable !
He with the collar could talk the hind legs off Jesus` donkey ….. and it transpired that there are still no toilets in our ancient Church !

It could well have been a case of damnation without relief … of Biblical proportions I may add !
I need to remember if ever there is a next time.

The trouble with enjoying a drink.

If you are anything like Mecannylad you will have found that the trouble with enjoying a drink in the evening is that you are likely not to be on top form the following morning !

Mecannylass finds this a constant niggle; but as I keep reminding her,
…….. `Only dull people are brilliant over breakfast.`

The problem with Miss Campbell`s car is ....

You could have knocked me down with a feather when the most straight-laced of stereotypical spinsters our village probably has went into great detail with Mecannylad why she was on the way to the garage to have a chat with the `lovely little mechanic`.

Apparently, according to old Miss Campbell, she thinks she has far too much foreplay on her gearstick!

I am sure the garage can see to that Miss Campbell.