Is Mecannylad just another Townie on a collision course with the countryside? Can he hack it in the bracing air of the fabulous Peak District? Will he survive amongst the farming set and their prize winning friesians? ....... This staunch Geordie carries fond memories from the gritty back streets of 1960`s Tyneside when a Big Mac was nothing more than a raincoat, a joint was only the Sunday roast and going all the way was simply staying on the bus until the terminus.
Mecannylass is a bit worried about Mecannylad`s diet.
She tells me that these days the only greens I seem to eat are carrots ?!
Now that’s what I call World Class Customer Service.
Mecannylad finds it increasingly vexing when this certain young male shop assistant in our local village store greets me with a rousing yawn, a vigorous scratching of his scrotum area and a hearty `hello matey` or `hiya pal`.
I am not his bloody matey. I have no wish to be his damned pal. I am a Sir to the little runt!
And I also take offence at being called Sweetie, Duck and Dearie by his female colleague … who incidentally – credit where credit is due - doesn`t seem to be quite so tired … or have such an itchy scrotum.
The understatement of the week
Mecannylad thinks that old age confers a certain calm about the passing circus that is life. A preference for understatement is by far the best approach when commenting on this mad world of ours.
Take those lovely democracy loving Libyan Rebels for example.
`Praise be to Allah, Colonel Gaddafi was unfortunately caught in friendly crossfire.` they say.
Some bloody crossfire ! One pistol to the left temple and another to the right cheek.
Now that’s an understatement !
Take those lovely democracy loving Libyan Rebels for example.
`Praise be to Allah, Colonel Gaddafi was unfortunately caught in friendly crossfire.` they say.
Some bloody crossfire ! One pistol to the left temple and another to the right cheek.
Now that’s an understatement !
This Sporting Life
Mecannylad has been enjoying a rare lazy afternoon watching a bit of live sport on TV.
I contend that women tennis players who stuff the tennis balls in their knickers as they serve always lose the point.
Mecannylad was wondering whether there were any statistics to back this theory up ?
I contend that women tennis players who stuff the tennis balls in their knickers as they serve always lose the point.
Mecannylad was wondering whether there were any statistics to back this theory up ?
Mecannylad is looking forward to the day when ...
... Mecannylass does - in her own words -`something right` instead of `nothing wrong`!????
First class postal service.
While posting some letters today (Sunday) Mecannylad`s heart leapt when I noticed the lone letterbox in my village said,
`Your mail will be collected NOW`
What service .... then Mecannylad realised that the transferable little plate stating the day was upside down !
So what is the bloody point of Scotland anyway ?
Mecannylad has just spent twenty confusing minutes going around the house resetting all the clocks for the British Summer Time adjustment. For what practical reason I ask you?
I`ll say it again !
...... so what is the bloody point of Scotland anyway ??
I`ll say it again !
...... so what is the bloody point of Scotland anyway ??
Well, hang me !
I noticed the other day that my nearest pharmacy in Chesterfield is cracking down on the sale of paracetamol; you can`t buy more than 16 tablets at any one time apparently. Mind you, that won`t deter the local Suicidal Syds. They just need to nip into the store next door.
B&Q will be happy to sell them all the rope they need !!
Old Adopted Pensioners.
Mecannylad is thrilled to learn of the new, more relaxed UK guidelines now in place for `older people to be considered for adoption`.
Can anyone advise me where Mecannylad and Mecannylass can find a wealthy couple to adopt us? We are both nappy trained.
Can anyone advise me where Mecannylad and Mecannylass can find a wealthy couple to adopt us? We are both nappy trained.
Oops !
Mecannylad tried to do the decent thing the other day when - in a gentle way - I foolishly risked telling some moronic teenage villager to stop dressing like a bloody fool and pull his trousers up over his arse.
Oops!
What the hell is the point of me getting wrinkles, age spots and a humpy back if it doesn’t strike fear into the hearts of the young and immediately command their respect? After all Mecannylad has been paying into the respect kitty for 65 years now and the way I see it, the time has come to start letting these silly young kids have the free benefit of my keen eye for fashion.
I should have just tightened my braces and saved my breath !!
This is a worrying privacy issue if you ask me.
How does the man in our local village shop have a pint of milk and the Daily Express on the counter ready for Mecannylad when I walk in each morning ?
Is my phone being hacked ?!
Is my phone being hacked ?!
There is no accounting for taste.
Mecannylad was looking forward to telling you all about our swish, newly refurbished village Tea Rooms. I was expecting a touch of Peak District chic.
…. and what do we get ?
…. Blackpool landlady!
Come on !!
…. and what do we get ?
…. Blackpool landlady!
Come on !!
Carbon Footprint Sceptic
Mecannylad is still looking to meet someone who can convince me that as an individual I am really helping to save the planet by switching off the standby button on the TV.
It makes me laugh ….Cheezuz Christ have you seen the shit the Chinese are throwing out of their coal fired power stations these days ? … and do they care ??!!
Come on …. get real …. we`re all naively peeing in the wind thinking our personal carbon footprints really have a global impact!
It makes me laugh ….Cheezuz Christ have you seen the shit the Chinese are throwing out of their coal fired power stations these days ? … and do they care ??!!
Come on …. get real …. we`re all naively peeing in the wind thinking our personal carbon footprints really have a global impact!
Damned foreigners ..... again.
I must admit; Mecannylad enjoys reading the obituary columns of our newspapers about the assorted celebrities and ner do wells who have recently popped their clogs. … But these obituaries always seem to be about foreigners.
Can`t this country produce decent dead people of it`s own these days ?
Can`t this country produce decent dead people of it`s own these days ?
A new problem is emerging on the country lanes of Eyam.
Mothers from our local primary school have ditched their yoga and pilates – presumably because of the recesssion – and have taken up jogging after dropping their youngsters off at the school gates. They park up their huge 4x4s and then run along the narrow lanes in groups of three or four … accompanied by their myriad of free running dogs. If you try to pass them in a car they expect the same courtesy as a horse rider … or else you`ll get `the finger`
Mecannylad thinks that a new protocol is urgently needed here to curb these leggy and demonstrative road hags.
You can take Mecannylad out of Newcastle ... but you can`t take Newcastle out of Mecannylad.
Mecannycocker posing with Mecannyangel & Mecannybridge.
Circumference,radius or even diameter; I feel old all of a sudden.
For the sake of a quiet life Mecannylad has long since given in to the generation gap and is content to accede to superior sibling knowledge no matter what . Mind you I am always happy to be of assistance in matters of extreme difficulty. Like the other night when my 20 something eldest Mecannybairn was stumped by the reference to `78s` in the context of old records.
Circumference perhaps, diameter, radius she thought.
I feel really old all of a sudden !
Circumference perhaps, diameter, radius she thought.
I feel really old all of a sudden !
Muriel the Sat Nav is put in her place.
When I bought a Sat-Nav (ours is called Muriel) Mecannylad naively thought that it would herald the end of inter spousal warfare. For a couple of weeks it worked; Muriel ruled … and journies were relatively relaxed. Clearly unhappy at being replaced by a machine Mecannylass had other ideas and has now taken to holding Muriel on her lap with the sound turned off, giving me the instructions from the screen. Everything is back to normal; Muriel has been put in her place ….. as indeed has Mecannylad …. again !
And of course if we ever get lost, somehow it`s still my mistake ?!
Mecannylass shows a lust for speed
Mecannylass has been watching too much Top Gear on TV.
She says she would love to go from 0-60 in 5 seconds.
Mecannylad suggested bathroom scales !
She says she would love to go from 0-60 in 5 seconds.
Mecannylad suggested bathroom scales !
Yes, Mecannylad knows what you mean … I think!
Inherently Geordies are a transparent lot, but with our transparency comes the natural, innocent inclination to be somewhat nosey – in a nice way you understand. Mecannylad is 100% Geordie!
So how could I find out more about this particular mysterious, reclusive gent who lives in the neglected town house on the High Street? His chatty next door neighbour whetted my appetite when she told me that he was, ` a lovely little old man really, dapper and quite tidy.`
“But his house is very dated inside” she added. “You know what I mean? …. wall to wall aztec”
Yes, Mecannylad knows what you mean … I think!
So how could I find out more about this particular mysterious, reclusive gent who lives in the neglected town house on the High Street? His chatty next door neighbour whetted my appetite when she told me that he was, ` a lovely little old man really, dapper and quite tidy.`
“But his house is very dated inside” she added. “You know what I mean? …. wall to wall aztec”
Yes, Mecannylad knows what you mean … I think!
Can`t be too careful these days.
She’s 87, the old lady who delivers our parish magazine here in Eyam. What do you think her family bought her for her birthday? ... A SHREDDER!
"What do you want with a bloody document shredder at your age?” asked Mecannylad.
“Identity theft my dear, can`t be too careful can we ?”
Cheezuz …. Hope I still know who I am at 87!
"What do you want with a bloody document shredder at your age?” asked Mecannylad.
“Identity theft my dear, can`t be too careful can we ?”
Cheezuz …. Hope I still know who I am at 87!
This is the life !
Even though the blue tit of time is nibbling through my gold top of eternity, and my walnuts of fate nestle in my Crunchy Nut Cornflakes of destiny I must say that having a leisurely Peak District breakfast and listening to the awful traffic bulletins on national radio gives Mecannylad a smug sense of wellbeing ! Good morning.
It`s our village duck race this weekend and I just can`t wait.
We have a new organiser for this year`s event. He is such a fuss-pot, and as camp as they come. Infact Mecannylad is sure Herr Capitan wouldn`t notice even if we tied his shoe-laces together ! Expecting a few tantrums …. and one hell of a giggle. Will report back.
Too bloody efficient for her own good.
Don`t you just love diversionary tactics on the telephone ?
“ I`m terribly sorry sir but Mecannylass is not available at the moment.” answered this Little Miss Smartarse on my wife`s work phone the other day.
“Is she there ?” I enquired plainly.
“I`m sorry,” says the dutiful Little Miss, “she`s in a meeting, can I say who called ?”
“Tell her it`s Mecannylad, …… she`ll know who I am.”
Grrrr !
“ I`m terribly sorry sir but Mecannylass is not available at the moment.” answered this Little Miss Smartarse on my wife`s work phone the other day.
“Is she there ?” I enquired plainly.
“I`m sorry,” says the dutiful Little Miss, “she`s in a meeting, can I say who called ?”
“Tell her it`s Mecannylad, …… she`ll know who I am.”
Grrrr !
Just remember, the fresh air is doing you good.
So with Mickey Mouse's big hand pointing upwards and Goofy's tail pointing downwards; and realising my Rolex is a fake ….. Mecannylad is off in the pissing rain to walk the dog.
Nothing lasts forever.
Mecannylad now occupies the place Mecannymam & Mecannydad did when they eulogised about things like mangles, slide rules and outside nettys.
Amazingly many common or garden things from my youth are now all but museum pieces.
Typewriters: A forerunner of the computer keyboard. The letters went directly on to paper, so that you often had to write the same thing many times before it was free of mistakes. Encouraged precision. No use for gaming since hitting the space bar would not kill aliens.
Libraries: Municipally administered buildings where you could go to steal books. They were also rather convenient for pirating music, as you could borrow an “album” and record it on to a “cassette”. This was especially good if you liked Herb Alpert , often the only artist in stock.
Fixed-line phones: Only 30 years ago all telephones were attached to walls by a cable. Almost all conversations therefore took place in the hall and could be listened to by everybody else in the house. Calls to set up a date were invariably answered by parents, resulting in conversations of the “so who’s this Cynthia lass then?”
Phone boxes: Used by people when out of the house in the era before the mobile. The phones themselves rarely worked, but highly valued by men as a public convenience.
Television schedules: Hard though it is to believe, there was a time before Sky + when people had no choice about what they watched. They had to purchase special magazines like the Radio Times to find out what they would be allowed to watch that evening.
Photo-processing shops: Before digital cameras photos were taken on rolls of film, which had to be taken to photo-processing shops or chemists to be developed. This discouraged immodesty since `snaps` would be scrutinised by shop assistants who would smirk when you collected them and then pass the semi-naked pictures of your girlfriend around their mates. Explains the brief popularity of Polaroids.
Shops: Before the internet, if you wanted to buy something you had to go to a “shop” and hope they had it in stock. If they didn’t, you were invited to come back in a fortnight when new stock arrived. Amazingly, people did this for fun.
Discretion: An odd custom from the last century, before Facebook, when people didn’t tell everyone when they had made a complete arse of themselves.
Today`s Special Offer is …
Regrettably, following some rather dubious shopping channel special offer purchases Mecannylass now has a selection of 4 George Forman grills and enough Joan Rivers jewellery to supply a small army of French prostitutes – at this rate Mecannylad will have to introduce some quantatitive easing of his own in time for Christmas !
Cool Ailments for every Teenager.
Few things get Mecannylad`s goat more than the fact that young kids today seem intent on proudly laying claim to all of the ailments that were previously the sole preserve of us grown ups.
There was a time not too long ago when you weren’t expected to contract the likes of diabetes until you’d spent 40 years working behind a desk drinking endless cups of sweet coffee and chomping through mountains of chocolate digestives. Nobody handed you your diabetes on a plate – you bloody well earned it !
But nowadays, all the little buggers with a taste for Big Macs and a fear of fruit and veg are clogging up their arteries and contracting adult ailments before they are even out of their teens. It’s typical of young people today – forever looking to be cool and different and old before their time. In my day young kids stuck to chicken pox, measles and mumps and we were content with that.
The reality of the situation is …
In Mecannylad`s heyday television was intended to be a showcase for talented individuals; the likes of Morcambe and Wise, Tommy Cooper and Val Doonican. It was meant to lift people’s spirits and entertain, not be home to a motley assortment of dimwits like you get on Big Brother for example. These people aren’t television stars – they’re nothing more than compelling evidence against the theory of evolution.
If Mecannylad had any interest in staring at a bunch of talentless nobodies I’d take a bus ride to bloody Sheffield or attend the next Mecannylad`s family reunion. Honestly, this Big Brother lot are w*****s you wouldn’t speak to on the street, so why the hell do you invite them into your home 7 nights a week is beyond me.
It was arguably tolerable a few years back when there was just one or two of these damned reality shows but not now; they’re everywhere. They’re an invasive species – like Facebook and Twitter. You seemingly can’t get on television these days unless you’re a hoarder, a crackpot refurbishing a mansion single handedly, a Simon Cowell croney, a crappy cook, or a lone parent to unruly quintuplets.
Bring back the Black and White Minstrels …that’s what I say.
Mecannylad gets the needle.
Having a tattoo is by all accounts a cool thing to do these days …. an act of personal expression they say ?
Bollocks …. Mecannylad has said it before and will say it again; when 4 million Brits (I can`t believe that figure!) have barbed wire tattooed across their upper arm or thigh, or bloody poetry across their chest it has nothing to do with self-expression and everything to do with getting in line with the standard-issue uniform of being a modern day pleb. Sorry.
The New Barmaid.
About that painted doll that is our new barmaid in the village pub.
I overheard her tonight mentioning that she was approaching forty … Mecannylad couldn`t help wondering from which direction.
I overheard her tonight mentioning that she was approaching forty … Mecannylad couldn`t help wondering from which direction.
Tolerance my Friends, tolerance.
On behalf of the ordinary minority in this country Mecannylad would like to thank the drunken majority for their ongoing tolerance of us in every hospital A&E waiting room throughout the land.
Tolerance my friends ….. tolerance. I thank you.
Deep & Meaningful
Mecannylad has been in deep debate with Mecannylass this morning chewing the fat over - of all things - whether the likes of Greece and Ireland should be in the EU. We do on occasions try to appear a tad intellectual.
Mecannylass soon undermined the credibility of the moment nevertheless by proclaiming with typical Geordie logic, ……….
“I`ve been saying that for a long time; but I`ve always kept my mouth shut.”
!??
Mecannylass soon undermined the credibility of the moment nevertheless by proclaiming with typical Geordie logic, ……….
“I`ve been saying that for a long time; but I`ve always kept my mouth shut.”
!??
The train leaving platform 2 will not arrive.
Doomsday preacher Harold Camping is now telling us that this coming Friday October 21st will mark the start of the Apocalypse - when believers will be whisked away into heaven and hell will be unleashed on earth.
Mecannylad wants to know whether this W****r could be a little more precise with his timings`cos I`ve booked a seat on the 10.39am to St Pancras International on that day.
Now there`s a thought
I would like to know why we all seem to be drawn to these silly Top Ten lists that appear with monotonous regularity in our magazines and colour supplements these days.
Ten things to do before your 30th birthday …
Ten places to visit before you retire… etc. etc.
As you read this a bunch of editorial smoothies down in London are no doubt churning out even more updated and outlandish lists to eat up their glossy column inches.
Do you know what ? You can stuff the Taj Mahal at sunset, or running with the bulls in Pamplona.
Mecannylad couldn`t really be arsed …. give me my sunset in Stoney Middleton anyday !
Now there`s a thought !! ….
Mecannylad`s Top Ten Things to do before he dies
Ten things to do before your 30th birthday …
Ten places to visit before you retire… etc. etc.
As you read this a bunch of editorial smoothies down in London are no doubt churning out even more updated and outlandish lists to eat up their glossy column inches.
Do you know what ? You can stuff the Taj Mahal at sunset, or running with the bulls in Pamplona.
Mecannylad couldn`t really be arsed …. give me my sunset in Stoney Middleton anyday !
Now there`s a thought !! ….
Mecannylad`s Top Ten Things to do before he dies
I second that proposal
Mecannylad will be wishing my friend Bo well in the up and coming Village Management Committee elections but I really do feel that he should tone down his rhetoric on european economic reform, climate change and foreign policy and try to remember that he will only be helping to organise the social calendar for a remote village in the Peak District.
Someone may have to remind him that his sphere of influence is largely limited to choosing the Carnival Queen and hooking the winning duck in our annual duck race !
Ask him; he`ll know.
If our village busy body here in Eyam wasn`t so stupidly dulally you could be convinced he was damned clever after overhearing him trying to help out a delivery driver the other day.
“ I hear you are looking for a John Robson. Which John Robson might that be?” ….. “Every Tom Dick and Harry is called John Robson around these parts you know”
“ I hear you are looking for a John Robson. Which John Robson might that be?” ….. “Every Tom Dick and Harry is called John Robson around these parts you know”
Mecannylad is on his high horse again.
They aren`t just any old forward thinking visionaries, they are pro-active, risk taking enablers in world class, cutting-edge organisations providing enhanced learning paradigms where they are forever challenging the structural assumptions inherent to good strategic planning.
They are also a couple of loud mouthed Corporate Pricks having a drink in our local.
Sad.
They are also a couple of loud mouthed Corporate Pricks having a drink in our local.
Sad.
Oh My God !
The young barmaid at our local village pub has been over-doing her false tan again. They don`t know when to stop these young kids do they ? …… I’ve seen less streaks on two pounds of belly pork.
Excuse me, I`m looking for ….
There is something about living out in the sticks that draws Mecannylad to still stop to ask a local for directions …. just in case there is a more direct way to where I want to be I suppose.
My advice. Don`t do it….. Well, not in the Peak District at any rate !
I asked this bloke for directions on the outskirts of Bakewell this morning.
“You can`t miss it.” He said confidently, “turn right just before where the bus shelter used to be” ?!
It`s fun shopping !
Mecannylad is getting a bit p****d off with the so called experts who lay out the isles in our supermarkets these days. I had to trail coughing and barking all the way to this vast superstore in Chesterfield
Young Einstein the Shop Assistant.
…..anyway, after getting my knickers in a twist over my cough medicine purchase I recovered my composure sufficiently to get the better of Young Einstein, the duty manager of the carpet department.
I said to this gormless retail professional. “Can you cut me 3.5 running metres of this coir matting please”
He said, “Certainly sir, what width?”
Mecannylad couldn`t resist it, “with scissors” I said.
Thick bloody Einstein couldn`t see the funny side could he !
I said to this gormless retail professional. “Can you cut me 3.5 running metres of this coir matting please”
He said, “Certainly sir, what width?”
Mecannylad couldn`t resist it, “with scissors” I said.
Thick bloody Einstein couldn`t see the funny side could he !
Ah well …. he couldn`t measure either … gave me 4.5 metres !!
You win some, you lose some !
You win some, you lose some !
Another day in the life of….
To top off a pretty hum-drum kind of day for Mecannylad dominated by my supermarket adventures, I`m afraid I must report that Mecannylass won the nightly battle of wits for the TV remote again. Her face was a picture; she wore that smile of hers ….. like she’s just unveiled the new wing of an abattoir.
I went into the utility room to play with my coir matting!
The pursuit of happiness.
Mecannylad has noticed how so many of us are obsessed with achieving happiness these days. Have I missed a trick here? Has happiness become a new sport like cycling or volleyball ?…. is it now something you can learn ? like origami…. something else you can fail or not make the grade at, like maths A level ? Even a recent government white paper suggested we should all have happiness lessons !
As for Mecannylad; I don`t care much for physical exertion, paper folding or algebra ……my happiness comes in a bottle!
Problems, problems, problems.
Don`t we live in wonderful times ? So many modern folk have worked out how to eliminate all their problems at a stroke.
The upwardly mobile executives domiciling here in the Peak District simply replace the word `problem` with their new world word `issue`….. health issues, marital issues, educational issues, economic issues etc etc.
Cheezuz Christ man, they are still problems !
Go and get yourself a proper job.
This post is prompted by a recent advertiser in my local newspaper claiming to be, `The Area`s leading Domestic De-cluttering Specialist.`
Excuse me!
When Mecannylad was younger I expected anyone who called themselves an expert or a specialist, would have a string of recognised qualifications. Someone like a brain surgeon, a lawyer or some other pillar of society…. even an electrician or a plumber.
But not now, these days there are so many tin-pot specialists, so many so called experts and self appointed gurus spouting over all things vague.
It makes Mecannylad`s blood boil just thinking about these chancers conning their way through life. What a load of bollocks…. go and get yourselves proper jobs.
When the monkey is on your back.
Isn`t it strange fellas whenever the monkey is on your back good never seems good enough anymore.
I`ve lost count of the number of weekends I`ve spent on DIY projects only to find myself neck deep by the Sunday night due to the unrealistic expectations of my resident Clerk of Works.
I know I`m no Michelangelo or Thomas Chippendale …. but cut me some slack Mecannylass !
ADVERTISING FEATURE
Buy a new MECANNYLAD Kitchen and we will give you a FREE OVEN! FREE HOB UNIT! FREE DISHWASHER! FREE EXTRACTOR FAN! FREE FRIDGE-FREEZER! FREE £1000 HOLIDAY FOR TWO! In addition to this SENSATIONAL OFFER there will be NOTHING TO PAY FOR A FULL TWO YEARS, and if you order your new MECANNYLAD Kitchen before Christmas we will reduce the price by an incredible 75%! How can MECANNYLAD Kitchens offer you such a FABULOUS deal? SIMPLE. Our kitchen units are grossly overpriced. You could buy the same quality units elsewhere for a FRACTION OF THE PRICE! Why are our kitchens so grossly overpriced? Because we have to build into the price the cost of the FREE APPLIANCES, plus the cost of our EXPENSIVE ADVERTISING in GLOSSY MAGAZINES and COLOUR SUPPLEMENTS. Why not dispense with the FREE APPLIANCES and GLOSSY ADVERTISING and sell the kitchen units at a fair price? Because it is a proven fact that most people still believe that they can get SOMETHING FOR NOTHING! This statement is AMAZING BUT TRUE! Our research shows that people are gullible, and will respond positively to adverts like this. We at MECANNYLAD Kitchens can say that with the greatest of confidence; because if you weren't gullible you would have stopped reading this advertisement long ago. In fact if you are still reading it, despite MECANNYLAD Kitchens admitting that their products are grossly overpriced, and making it abundantly clear to you that you won't be getting SOMETHING FOR NOTHING, you are more than gullible, you are a stupid t**t! So don't delay, phone FREE 0800 444 333 and one of our trained short sleeved shirt consultants will be round at your house to bullshit you something awful and con you into buying a new MECANNYLAD Kitchen before you can say FREE WASHING MACHINE!…because that is what you will be getting along with all the FREE APPLIANCES, plus FREE TOASTER! FREE KETTLE!! FREE COFFEEMAKER!!! FREE PARKING!!!! …… FREE CAPITAL LETTERS & EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!
Mecannylad to consulting room no.2 please.
They always say the same thing,`Your appointment is at 4pm prompt, please try not to be late` …. but you know it’s never going to be 4pm!
You still go down to the surgery in good time …. to wait in that bloody waiting room with all those other miserable contageous buggers coughing, spluttering and wheezing for another eternal hour. And you just know when your GP finally calls your name he’ll do so without any hint of apology in his voice.
One of these days I just feel like saying,`Just hang on a minute mate `til I finish reading Peoples Friend.`
You still go down to the surgery in good time …. to wait in that bloody waiting room with all those other miserable contageous buggers coughing, spluttering and wheezing for another eternal hour. And you just know when your GP finally calls your name he’ll do so without any hint of apology in his voice.
One of these days I just feel like saying,`Just hang on a minute mate `til I finish reading Peoples Friend.`
The scent of a woman.
….. and one of those coughing and spluttering morons waiting alongside me in the doctor`s surgery this morning was wearing a t-shirt that said “All this and a Huge Dick.”
Now, while Mecannylad is quite sure he is a huge dick, I stand by my assertion that if you hope to attract a woman by writing crude things across your chest then you’re likely going to die without ever having put your appendage – huge or otherwise -through its paces. Stupid boy!
Now, while Mecannylad is quite sure he is a huge dick, I stand by my assertion that if you hope to attract a woman by writing crude things across your chest then you’re likely going to die without ever having put your appendage – huge or otherwise -through its paces. Stupid boy!
Another handy hint for Mecannylass
With his car up on the hydraulic ramps getting a couple of new tyres fitted I overheard the driver ask the garage mechanic to ensure that all four wheels were rotated so that the valves were all pointing in exactly the same position on each wheel !
“You see, explained the driver,…it`s so handy when my wife is checking my tyre pressures” !
“You see, explained the driver,…it`s so handy when my wife is checking my tyre pressures” !
Wow …. got to remember that handy hint. Mecannylass will be impressed !
The trouble with teenagers today is that they think they invented sex.
As the Drifters so tunefully put it …. Sitting in the back row of the movies on a Saturday night with you, holding hands together, you and I ….
Being able to commandeer a couple of vacant back seats in the local flea pit on a Saturday night in Newcastle
I remember both of us were done up to the nines which was a bit over the top for this particularly loppy old picture house. Nevertheless, I had my Jackson
First house was busier than usual, although it didn`t deter either of us as we both quickly settled down to a bit of nervous fumbling – our basic intent all evening if the truth were known !
Being a young man of limited experience Mecannylad was soon finding the engineering complexities of a suspender belt somewhat bewildering; especially in the dark. I sensed my fumblings were meeting some resistance. Not so much from my girlfriend (who was proving to be as keen as I was) but from some untidy entanglement between my expandable watchstrap, my cuff-links and the hook and eye catches on the suspender belt.
What a mess, what a predicament; and to make things worse we were now in full glare of the usherette`s torch. After what seemed an eternity of embarrassment I remember vividly both of us finally being ushered up the aisle into the cinema foyer by the faceless torch still entwined, still dishevelled and still very much red faced. ….. to be paraded in full glare in front of the snaking queue of people waiting to get in for the second house !!
An acquired taste
Just got to tell you, Mecannylass hates Brie with a passion.
She says it`s just like eating Dairylea Triangles coated with Tippex.
I suppose she has a point when you think about it !
Walking the Dog.
The problem with my local dog walking fraternity here in Eyam is that they are irritatingly reserved, keeping themselves to themselves.
“What`s Alfie`s surname ?” I innocently asked one fellow dog walker yesterday.
“Alfie who?” came the curt reply.
I shouldn`t be surprised. Grrr!
Oh yes, and another problem with the Peak District is it`s unfortunate proximity to Yorkshire.
Mecannylad has detected an annoying tendancy for stingy Yorkshire folk – and Sheffielders in particular - to flee their dark satanic surroundings in search of the classier and more beautiful lifestyle here in Derbyshire.
They are everywhere …. Mecannylad can`t get moved for them ! I bumped into one such illegal immigrant in the newsagents in Bakewell the other day,
"I don't know what to get my husband for his birthday." she was moaning.
"Why don't you get him a book?" suggested Mecannylad blandly.
"Nah, he's already got a book."
Now that`s not funny ….. that`s Yorkshire folk all over ! …. They make my old Scottish boss at Experian appear philanthropic by comparison !
They are everywhere …. Mecannylad can`t get moved for them ! I bumped into one such illegal immigrant in the newsagents in Bakewell the other day,
"I don't know what to get my husband for his birthday." she was moaning.
"Why don't you get him a book?" suggested Mecannylad blandly.
"Nah, he's already got a book."
Now that`s not funny ….. that`s Yorkshire folk all over ! …. They make my old Scottish boss at Experian appear philanthropic by comparison !
Silly boy, what are you doing ?
There`s a `picture postcard` duck-pond resplendent with a full complement of ducks in the village next to us at Foolow. It was unusually the centre of much gnashing of teeth and flying of feathers when Mecannylad was passing by the other day.
“What on earth are you doing? screamed a frantic Granny as she caught a sideways glance of her young grandson scrambling into the pond to feed the ducks. She was too old and too late to do anything about it.
“Silly boy, get out of there immediately, don`t you know how deep it is …. etc, etc”
“I`m all right Granny” said the toddler, “water only comes up to a duck`s tummy !”
Oh dear, Vicar!
`Bring a smile to a child's face with a life-threatening illness`
Oh Vicar.
This is a serious recommendation.
Mecannylad often gets asked by his old Townie friends to recommend a good Peak District country pub. Contrary to popular local folklore this Geordie hasn`t yet auditioned them all, but the Mecannylad Red Ribbon must go this year to The Barrel Inn at Bretton. You can see six different English counties from their front door, warm your bum in front of a huge open fireplace, bang your head on the low beams …. and still have a good pint !
….. Heh; and you are only five minutes from my little mud hut where you are all welcome to dry out anytime!
I`ll have a chicken with stuffing on a crusty brown please.
.….and then there are the two dears from Mecannylad`s neighbouring village of Tideswell who run a small sandwich shop. They pride themselves that every sandwich is made fresh on request.
Mecannylad senses that these country catering entrepreneurs have made a rod for their own back and are getting rather bogged down having to constantly update their menu . There is now a sign appearing in their shop explaining to customers :
`Some of our sandwich fillings may or may not be available at all times, and sometimes not at all ,and other times all the time.`
??!!
A funny lot these Peak District farming people.
Year in, year out, they constantly cry in their beer about losing money hand over fist, yet they still live very well indeed,and of course still all die considerably wealthy men . After being amongst them for 6 years now Mecannylad can vouch for their extreme pragmatism. (tight bastards!)
Take old Bo from down our lane for example; in all seriousness he`s currently running a free ad in our local village Post Office window:
8 years old Jack Russell, free to good home; hateful little dog.…. also 2 gay bulls for sale.
Take old Bo from down our lane for example; in all seriousness he`s currently running a free ad in our local village Post Office window:
8 years old Jack Russell, free to good home; hateful little dog.…. also 2 gay bulls for sale.
War on Work
War on Work ? ...what`s this all about then?
Well, according to recent UN figures work kills over 2 million people worldwide every year. That`s more than all our globe`s armed conflicts put together, it`s more than drugs, its more than alcohol, it`s the equivalent of two 9/11s every single day ! Yet we see no war on work being declared by any of the governments across the civilised world. And that is because work has become this planet`s all embracing new religion. It has replaced salvation as the common goal of the individual. The `work and consume` ethic has long since surpassed all previous moralities. It has become the ideal in life. But it’s an ideal that fails to live up to it`s expectations time after time and that’s why Mecannylad is convinced we should declare war on it !
So Mecannylad implores all you hard workers out there….. Have a one off on Monday! ...... you`re worth it !
Well, according to recent UN figures work kills over 2 million people worldwide every year. That`s more than all our globe`s armed conflicts put together, it`s more than drugs, its more than alcohol, it`s the equivalent of two 9/11s every single day ! Yet we see no war on work being declared by any of the governments across the civilised world. And that is because work has become this planet`s all embracing new religion. It has replaced salvation as the common goal of the individual. The `work and consume` ethic has long since surpassed all previous moralities. It has become the ideal in life. But it’s an ideal that fails to live up to it`s expectations time after time and that’s why Mecannylad is convinced we should declare war on it !
So Mecannylad implores all you hard workers out there….. Have a one off on Monday! ...... you`re worth it !
One of life`s most common problems
Not something Mecannylad likes to admit to or even talk about too readily. It is reassuring nevertheless that an itchy bum is apparently among the most common hygiene problems we all suffer from.
My GP says the arse is a fine piece of human machinery and we need to look after it. When it's working properly, it can tell the difference between a solid, a liquid and a gas and generally speaking it allows the owner to cleverly adjust to what might be coming……. But why does it itch so much in warm weather?
As I said before; Mecannylad needs to know ! …… and when I get to know ….. you`ll get to know !
It’s surely becoming clearer.
It is now six years since Mecannylad realised that hard work does not lead to happiness. Not work for other people, at any rate. All those years of graft, all that punishing saving we put into our pensions. Mecannylad would dearly love to send a message to the newly idle of this country …. Fear not!
Jobs are the most overrated creation of modern society; after all two thirds of us are miserable in them ! So why be miserable? Idleness should be a great time of cheer! And think of the small fortune you save in tax, train fares, suits and ties, and drinks after work with colleagues you did’t care for anyway?
Sure there may be some losses; no more cinema room extensions to your house, no more illegal immigrant cleaners etc. But really, these are small sacrifices when you consider the beneficial effect on family life; the time that you will be able to spend at home napping, pottering and making strange things out of driftwood.
The ancient Romans had no taste for work, to them it was slavish to sell their time to an employer. So, be brave, be bold. Free yourself from the manacles of capitalism. Allow yourself to enter the elite leisured class.
Now where was I? …. Must wash the cars …. Mecannylass is dragging me to Meadowhall.
The phenomenon that is Mecannylass !
It has just occurred to me !
Mecannylad wants to know why Mecannylass can never put her mascara on with her mouth closed ? ..... What`s her mouth got to do with her eyes ?
That`s exactly what you get in public toilets these days !
Mecannylad is a rooster, not a hen so I don’t know if this applies to both sides.
The men`s public toilets at Chatsworth House here in Derbyshire have yet again been voted `Public Toilets of the Year. `
I have a fear of public toilets! It’s not some kind of weird phobia or a condition developed out of a traumatic experience. It simply stems solely from strangers; as my good old mother use to say to me all those years ago, “Look where you are peeing son and don`t talk to any strange men.”.
And that’s exactly what you get in public toilets …. Strangers! Just as in life they attract all sorts, and in the grand surroundings of the Chatsworth House public toilets it`s no different I suppose!
There’s the quiet type who wish they were in there all alone. (I`m one of those) Then you have the `I couldn’t care less about being private, I`m not ashamed of the noises and smells my body makes.` type. The type that really gets my goat however are the ones who want to talk. The ones who just won’t shut up! They ask you questions, they tell you stories, they describe their actions in the finest detail and every thought that is going through their little minds at the time.
Mecannylad only uses a public toilet for one reason and one simple reason only, and it’s not to make new friends or to have a debate. But for those of you who like the idea of spending a penny in style – talk or no talk - then pay your 15 quid to get in to Chatsworth House.
You won`t be disappointed !
The men`s public toilets at Chatsworth House here in Derbyshire have yet again been voted `Public Toilets of the Year. `
I have a fear of public toilets! It’s not some kind of weird phobia or a condition developed out of a traumatic experience. It simply stems solely from strangers; as my good old mother use to say to me all those years ago, “Look where you are peeing son and don`t talk to any strange men.”.
And that’s exactly what you get in public toilets …. Strangers! Just as in life they attract all sorts, and in the grand surroundings of the Chatsworth House public toilets it`s no different I suppose!
There’s the quiet type who wish they were in there all alone. (I`m one of those) Then you have the `I couldn’t care less about being private, I`m not ashamed of the noises and smells my body makes.` type. The type that really gets my goat however are the ones who want to talk. The ones who just won’t shut up! They ask you questions, they tell you stories, they describe their actions in the finest detail and every thought that is going through their little minds at the time.
Mecannylad only uses a public toilet for one reason and one simple reason only, and it’s not to make new friends or to have a debate. But for those of you who like the idea of spending a penny in style – talk or no talk - then pay your 15 quid to get in to Chatsworth House.
You won`t be disappointed !
How to benefit from a Lottery win.
I was a bit peed off when I read about the British couple who recently won the £161m Euromillions jackpot.
So, what were they doing before this unimaginable wealth came their way ?
They had both been on benefits for years … that`s what they`d been doing!
"I started marking the numbers but wasn't doing too well. Then on the tenth line, all the numbers seemed to appear as if by magic."
What? …. The tenth line! …. The f*****g tenth line!!
One line on the Euro lottery costs 2 quid, right? So these lucky blighters spent at least twenty quid on the lottery while they were both on benefits.
Did they do that every week? No … not on your Nelly.
Twice a f******g week more like! That`s £160 a month on the lottery…. from their benefits.
And what will they do now? Will they somehow start to give some of it back in grateful recognition of what the state has done for them all these years?
So, what were they doing before this unimaginable wealth came their way ?
"I started marking the numbers but wasn't doing too well. Then on the tenth line, all the numbers seemed to appear as if by magic."
What? …. The tenth line! …. The f*****g tenth line!!
One line on the Euro lottery costs 2 quid, right? So these lucky blighters spent at least twenty quid on the lottery while they were both on benefits.
Did they do that every week? No … not on your Nelly.
Twice a f******g week more like! That`s £160 a month on the lottery…. from their benefits.
And what will they do now? Will they somehow start to give some of it back in grateful recognition of what the state has done for them all these years?
Answers on a postcard please !
Mecannylad better keep his mouth shut in future.
The man came to read our gas meter today.
“You just don’t seem Geordie.” he said out of the blue, “You can`t tell by your house …. and you can`t tell by the way you look.
“It`s only when you open your mouth though; that’s when I knew ?!”
Eureka
“You just don’t seem Geordie.” he said out of the blue, “You can`t tell by your house …. and you can`t tell by the way you look.
“It`s only when you open your mouth though; that’s when I knew ?!”
Allah the Camel Driver
One of the joys of being a new grandad is going to be the pleasure of reading bedtime stories again.
But things have changed …. Mecannylad has heard on the grapevine that even Thomas The Tank Engine has fallen to the dreaded dead hand of the Diversity Brigade. Apparently all mention of Christmas has been erased from the latest prints of the popular children`s books so as not to offend ethnic groups. No sign, either, of the Fat Controller — or the Clinically Obese Co-ordinator, as we probably must now call him.
What a farce ! …. Perhaps we should change the whole storyline to Allah the Camel Driver and be done with it.
But things have changed …. Mecannylad has heard on the grapevine that even Thomas The Tank Engine has fallen to the dreaded dead hand of the Diversity Brigade. Apparently all mention of Christmas has been erased from the latest prints of the popular children`s books so as not to offend ethnic groups. No sign, either, of the Fat Controller — or the Clinically Obese Co-ordinator, as we probably must now call him.
What a farce ! …. Perhaps we should change the whole storyline to Allah the Camel Driver and be done with it.
Mecannylass sets her expectations moving forward.
So from tomorrow I intend to introduce Total Quality Management into my gardening, implement key performance indicators for the housework, write a mission statement for the supermarket shopping trip, outsource the dog, re-engineer the washing and ironing……….. and downsize Mecannylass !
Now do you understand ?
I am sorry if I am confusing regular readers of Mecannylad.
Some of you have asked me to clarify my definition of `old`
Its really quite straightforward.
The older Mecannylad gets the older old is !
Simple.
Some of you have asked me to clarify my definition of `old`
Its really quite straightforward.
The older Mecannylad gets the older old is !
Simple.
Today`s Tittle Tattle …
They never fail to raise a smile on Mecannylad`s face. I`m talking about a couple of GROLIES. (Guardian Readers Of Limited Intelligence in Ethnic Sandals) who rendezvous daily to collect their newspaper from our village store.
I got two laughs for the price of one from them this morning.
“I`ve noticed that new woman in the cottage up the far hill hasn`t got a wedding ring on.” observed Andrew Grolie.
“Aye,” said Jack Grolie, “I reckon she`s either divorced or a lesbian.”
“… and her daughter,” continued Jack, “ they say she`s due a bairn at Christmas.”
“Never," said Andrew "this Christmas or next?”
At that point Mecannylad bought his Daily Mirror and left quietly!
I got two laughs for the price of one from them this morning.
“I`ve noticed that new woman in the cottage up the far hill hasn`t got a wedding ring on.” observed Andrew Grolie.
“Aye,” said Jack Grolie, “I reckon she`s either divorced or a lesbian.”
“… and her daughter,” continued Jack, “ they say she`s due a bairn at Christmas.”
“Never," said Andrew "this Christmas or next?”
At that point Mecannylad bought his Daily Mirror and left quietly!
Geordie Speak
Mecannylad has a theory that it is not our lilting accent that makes Geordies so endearing, nor is it the speed of the vernacular
…. it is more the curious way how we tend to state the damned bloody obvious whenever we ask a question !
For example: - `Are you reading that newspaper you are sitting on ?`
…. it is more the curious way how we tend to state the damned bloody obvious whenever we ask a question !
For example: - `Are you reading that newspaper you are sitting on ?`
Mecannylad can`t be more wrong .
Mecannylad wants to believe that cosmetic surgical intervention is still by and large the domain of A-list celebrities and that the ordinary country folk of the Peak District are above dabbling in such vain tosh.
Mecannylad can`t be more wrong ……. I swear if the female proprietor of a certain little gift shop in Bakewell has one more face lift she's going to end up with a beard !
Bloody silly woman!
Most mornings I attract discreet acknowledgement from this eccentric lone horsewoman as she hacks nervously through the lanes of Eyam.
Mecannylad can never understand why so many females profess to be horse lovers when they always seem scared s*****ss as soon as they are astride their own beast.
Anyway; this particular female rides her own mare slightly less stylishly than another horse would! Today she was trying to look composed, reining it in frantically as she trotted past.
Even if this Peak District Boedicea had painted herself pink and was riding topless singing `subtle moves are here again` she couldn`t disguise the bloody fact that her stupid carthorse was kicking up giant divots in my manicured borders !
For better or god damned worse, for richer, for poorer.
The problem with the UK today is that the traditional family has gone the same way as Tudor Crisps, Spangles and Elasticated Snake Belts .
In Mecannylad`s day a family was comprised of a dad, a mother and a spattering of snotty nosed kids. Throw in some drunken uncles, maiden aunts and grumpy grannies and you had yourself a respectable, albeit mottly, assortment of authoritarians, outcasts and half-wits that lived out of each others pockets. Nevertheless they were kin.
Nowadays, though, the whole notion of family has been shot to hell. All you see are single parents, blended families and kids with six different last names hyphenated together in some sorry attempt to artificially create a patchwork of unity.
Well I’ve got news for you, a dozen loosely-related individuals living together every other weekend isn’t a real family. It’s time for us Brits to stop flitting between bed-mates, farming out our offspring and abandoning our responsibilities and get back to traditional family life under the same roof – for better or god damned worse, for richer, for poorer.
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