ʇsǝɹǝʇuı ɹnoʎ sǝʇɐıɔǝɹddɐ pɐlʎuuɐɔǝɯ
˙ɐılɐɹʇsnɐ uı sɹǝpɐǝɹ ʎɯ llɐ oʇ noʎʞuɐɥʇ ƃıq ɐ
Is Mecannylad just another Townie on a collision course with the countryside? Can he hack it in the bracing air of the fabulous Peak District? Will he survive amongst the farming set and their prize winning friesians? ....... This staunch Geordie carries fond memories from the gritty back streets of 1960`s Tyneside when a Big Mac was nothing more than a raincoat, a joint was only the Sunday roast and going all the way was simply staying on the bus until the terminus.
Clueless
Mecannylass, “Let`s go to that Italian restaurant again”
“Which Italian Restaurant?” Mecannylad enquires. “You know, the one with those lovely Italian waiters.” she replies.
“Give me a better clue than that.” I insist.
“You remember, they always wear white shirts and black trousers.”
I love her really !
Village Idiots
Don`t get me wrong the Peak District, and Eyam in particular, are heaven on earth and such a gorgeous place to call home … but there are four failed medical experiments - I think you call them the village youth - who insist on playing a game which involves kicking a ball against a metal garage door with the force of a meteorite.
Although the local bobby is aware of the situation this game is now into it's fourth week, and as I am unsure how their scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
I trust that when Mecannylad takes a claw-hammer to the skull of one of these idiots Derbyshire Police will offer me the same courtesy of also giving me a months head start and a mild ticking off.
Although the local bobby is aware of the situation this game is now into it's fourth week, and as I am unsure how their scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
I trust that when Mecannylad takes a claw-hammer to the skull of one of these idiots Derbyshire Police will offer me the same courtesy of also giving me a months head start and a mild ticking off.
Simply the best ...or simply terrible ?
Engine warm, engine cold, dry weather, wet weather, full moon, no moon, Labour government, Conservative government …… Mecannylass just can`t complete a smooth gear change for toffee. She isn`t just plain terrible, she`s fancy terrible…. terrible with a cherry on the top.
“OK,this is a very common, but minor, failing” she admits.
“OK,this is a very common, but minor, failing” she admits.
Never mind pet, so long as you are trying your best !
Karachi Calling .
Don`t get Mecannylad on about Call Centres !
I really do find it extremely difficult to understand what the majority of these people are saying most of the time. Yesterday I was connected to a call centre …. I found out later it was inPakistan
I really do find it extremely difficult to understand what the majority of these people are saying most of the time. Yesterday I was connected to a call centre …. I found out later it was in
When I told them I wasn`t happy they got so excited I think they asked if I could drive a truck !
An Odds On Certainty
Mecannylad always smiles at the sign outside the bookmakers shop in Bakewell.
It says; Open Sundays: 11-5.
It says; Open Sundays: 11-5.
Now, I know for a fact that it is definitely open 7 days a week …… but he won't take my bet.
Waitress Service Only.
Mecannylad wants to say that if the waitress at the Chatsworth Stables Restaurant responsible for table No.3 is reading this please can she clear away our empty plates so that we can order our dessert. Thankyou.
Private Medical Care.
Mecannylad walked past a couple of the old fashioned red phone boxes in Sheffield the other day and was shocked to see so many cards advertising Naughty Nursing Services plastered all over them.
I thought that sort of stuff was restricted to London.
No wonder people are waiting 18 months for hip replacements at the Northern General.
I thought that sort of stuff was restricted to London.
No wonder people are waiting 18 months for hip replacements at the Northern General.
Whose a silly boy then ?
Mecannylad just loves smart arses when they fall flat on their face. Like that upstart of a teenager talking at the Labour Party Annual Conference yesterday.
He was trying to convince us that he was on rock bottom. Rock bottom my arse ….. you`ve shot yourself and your beloved Labour Party in the foot laddy.
Now go home to your property developer millionaire father and say sorry.
He was trying to convince us that he was on rock bottom. Rock bottom my arse ….. you`ve shot yourself and your beloved Labour Party in the foot laddy.
Now go home to your property developer millionaire father and say sorry.
Mecannylad needs to know
Thank goodness Mecannylad has nothing like this around where he lives.
I`m talking about sewage farms,. ….. can someone tell me; in what way are they a farm?
Remember. Mecannylad lives in the land of free speech !
What a beautiful place Sheffield would be ......
if Sheffield were not there.
if Sheffield were not there.
Self diagnosos is always best.
Mecannylass thought she had perforated her ear drum earlier this evening.
She asked Mecannylad," "Do you know any of the symptoms?" Mecannylad obliged, "Marge, Homer, Bart... is that enough ?"
Now Mecannylad is in danger of a perforated lug hole!
When you're ten years old nothing is your business.
Mecannylad remembers when my mum and dad took me to Edinburgh Zoo in 1956. In those days it was a long way from Byker. (It`s probably no nearer these days come to think about it!)
Anyway, I asked Mum why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another monkey`s backside. “It`s none of your business” she said, “I`ll tell you sometime later.”
Do you know ! …..I`m 65 now and still waiting for an explanation !
Your face says it all.
I would like to put it on record that Mecannylad loves Mecannylass and Mecannylass loves Mecannylad …..yet after 30 years of marriage we still have our odd moments.
“Look at that bloody look on your face.” says Mecannylad. “What do you mean? I haven't got a look on my face?” replies Mecannylass.
“Don`t make me laugh,” says Mecannylad …. “that's the exact face I'm talking about ….. the one without a look on it”
.. and straight over to our news desk.
Breaking News exclusively on Mecannylad !
The kids playing at the bottom of our lane are convinced that Colonel Gadaffi is alive and well and renting a house in Eyam. More on this developing story later.
The cost of living .... in Eyam.
When you are passing, just call into our village store here in Eyam. It allows you to see into the future ….. you will find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2021.
Scratching my brains
The trouble with getting old is that you tend to spend more and more of your time sat in your GPs waiting room ; the upside of this however is that Mecannylad can catch up on People`s Friend September 1993 and also interact with the Great Unwashed.
Take this morning for example.
A mother was waiting with her 4 year old son. The son was clearly bored; fidgeting , scratching and generally playing with his private bits.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied.`now stop scratching down there or you`ll make yourself daft!`
Yet another Mecannylad`s pet hate
Mecannylad thinks that as a domesticated Geordie of many years experience he is now rather the dog`s b*****ks at all things housework. ………. but how ARE you supposed to iron and fold a bloody fitted sheet ?!
Thinking man`s music.
Regular readers will recall Mecannylad`s dislike of rap music and that awful stuff called heavy metal.
Well that`s not all......Rock n Roll is nothing more than music for the neck downwards.
How about a comeback for some thinking man`s music ..... how about a bit of Bonzo Dog Do-Dah Band ?
Well that`s not all......Rock n Roll is nothing more than music for the neck downwards.
How about a comeback for some thinking man`s music ..... how about a bit of Bonzo Dog Do-Dah Band ?
There`s no fun in motoring anymore
Mecannylad can`t remember the last time I enjoyed driving for the simple pleasure of it.
…… I must admit however, I do still quietly enjoy the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent the flash gits trying to cut in and jump to the front of a traffic queue.
Strange people eh?
Mecannylad always makes it his business to pass the time of day with the many day-trippers we get to our village. Pointing them to where the stocks are , to the plague cottages, to Eyam Hall and the museum, to the public footpaths etc, etc …… It`s good for the local image.
I didn`t bargain for this morning`s day tripper however.“Are you a Geordie by any chance? He said. “Lovely part of the world …..strange people though.”
Not being one to sully my newly acquired reputation,I sent him packing ..... in the wrong direction !!!!
Woooah ...steady on there. I`m a nice guy really.
I wish strange young mothers would do their own dirty work and stop using Mecannylad to discipline their kids.
I was in the village fruit shop earlier on, and a mum points at me and says to her little child: "Behave, or that man over there will come and take your dolly off you?"
And I'm thinking ..... "Woooah. When did Mecannylad become the bad guy here?"
What plonkers
Mecannylad thinks that the ladies' darts team in our pub could finish their match before midnight for a change by scrapping the usual games of 501 …… and just go straight for double one !
What plonkers !
Real men don`t pluck their nasal hair !
I know its an old man thing but it`s still something I would much prefer to do in private. After he cuts my hair the barber has now started to ask Mecannylad whether I want things like my ears and nostrils trimmed !
Ugh!.... and when other customers are looking!
I wonder …. if I refuse would I be seen as any less of a man ?
What do you think?
Ugh!.... and when other customers are looking!
I wonder …. if I refuse would I be seen as any less of a man ?
What do you think?
Having your cake and eating it
David Cameron tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath he`s telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us.
Mecannylad wishes he'd make his damn mind up!
Mecannylad wishes he'd make his damn mind up!
Interesting Derek
Regular readers of Mecannylad will be aware that I haven`t ever previously mentioned my mate Interesting Derek from the nearby village of Calver.
Derek isn`t a fully qualified state pensioner yet but he does qualify for his winter fuel payments ! ….. Anyway Interesting Derek`s claim to fame is that he is the UK`s leading authority on stainless steel non-drip teapots. He also has a fine collection of patterned ironing board covers.
More about Interesting Derek anon.
Derek isn`t a fully qualified state pensioner yet but he does qualify for his winter fuel payments ! ….. Anyway Interesting Derek`s claim to fame is that he is the UK`s leading authority on stainless steel non-drip teapots. He also has a fine collection of patterned ironing board covers.
More about Interesting Derek anon.
I`m Lovin` it
Mecannylad was driving up north to Newcastle the other day when I nipped into McDonald's to use their toilet.
I was confronted by a spotty teenage employee mopping the floor just by the urinals ..... and on the back of his T-shirt the logo said 'I'm Lovin' it!'
The poor sod's face told a different story !!
I was confronted by a spotty teenage employee mopping the floor just by the urinals ..... and on the back of his T-shirt the logo said 'I'm Lovin' it!'
The poor sod's face told a different story !!
Credit where credit is due.
Who says we're not getting a good deal from our train services these days ?
The fine for pulling the emergency chord is still just £50 …. exactly the same as it was way back when I left school in 1962. Now that's what Mecannylad calls value for money!
Hats off for Equal Opportunities in Eyam
I think it's marvellous that we see so many women bus drivers these days.
Good on you ladies; and more power to your equal opportunity elbow, I say.
............mind you, if Mecannylad had his way he would only let them out in those little 25 seaters on the routes through our tight little village !
Good on you ladies; and more power to your equal opportunity elbow, I say.
............mind you, if Mecannylad had his way he would only let them out in those little 25 seaters on the routes through our tight little village !
Safe Bet
They say there's a fine line between genius and insanity.
Mecannylad doesn't think there's a fine line at all; I actually think there's a yawning bloody gulf. I had cause to pass through Clay Cross, Alfreton and Mansfield the other day.
You kind of have a good idea – do you not - that the locals in these wonderful centres of excellence are never going to develop a new vaccine or paint a masterpiece or something like that.
You get what I mean like?
Just to remind you; Mecannylad doesn't much like heavy metal rock music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. You understand?
……. and for those people who actually like heavy metal; denigrate means 'put down'.
It`s all going to end in tears.
The UK may not be part of the eurozone directly but when it disintegrates we will certainly feel it….. by God we will!
Mecannnylad says that sharing your money with another country is surely like having a joint bank account with your next-door neighbour.
Plenty of people cleverer than Mecannylad have said for years now that different economies should never ever be merged; not when one country pays its taxes, whilst another doesn`t; not while one country works it`s fingers to the bone and the other dances the lambada on it`s beaches all day.
It`s all going to end in tears.
Mecannnylad says that sharing your money with another country is surely like having a joint bank account with your next-door neighbour.
Plenty of people cleverer than Mecannylad have said for years now that different economies should never ever be merged; not when one country pays its taxes, whilst another doesn`t; not while one country works it`s fingers to the bone and the other dances the lambada on it`s beaches all day.
It`s all going to end in tears.
Mecannylad thinks you are a disgrace.
In the name of prime time national entertainment what a sad, grotesque monster of a TV programme you have created Simon Cowell.
One day soon some lost soul will top themselves because they have been humiliated on X Factor. It started as a bit of a laugh at the expense of the odd eccentric but has now gone too far. Mr C and his cronies are responsible for nothing much more than the TV equivalent of Bedlam, where solid citizens tune in to laugh at the lunatics. Why not cut out your regional auditions next season, Simon? Why not recruit your contestants straight from mental hospitals?
You`re a tonk.
One day soon some lost soul will top themselves because they have been humiliated on X Factor. It started as a bit of a laugh at the expense of the odd eccentric but has now gone too far. Mr C and his cronies are responsible for nothing much more than the TV equivalent of Bedlam, where solid citizens tune in to laugh at the lunatics. Why not cut out your regional auditions next season, Simon? Why not recruit your contestants straight from mental hospitals?
You`re a tonk.
This song gets my goat !
Whenever I hear Ralph McTell singing 'Streets of London' the lyrics `…..yesterday's papers, telling yesterday's news.` always gets Mecannylad on his high horse.
Surely if they were yesterday's papers then they would be telling news from the day before yesterday !
It irritates me something rotten.
Surely if they were yesterday's papers then they would be telling news from the day before yesterday !
It irritates me something rotten.
Learning your ABCs - Watching your Ps & Qs.
Let`s not beat around the bush; in Mecannylad`s formative days, teachers knew that school kids learned best through fear.
OK;we learned our ABCs, but only by also being mindful of our Ps and Qs. By the time we left for the world of work every single one of us was able to spell properly, add up …… as well as flinch reflectively !
We were scared of our teachers; but today our classrooms are something else. They’ve become a cross between a zoo and a roman orgy and I lay the blame squarely on an outrageous shortage of fear.
Students now aren’t afraid of anything – least of all of their teachers.
OK;we learned our ABCs, but only by also being mindful of our Ps and Qs. By the time we left for the world of work every single one of us was able to spell properly, add up …… as well as flinch reflectively !
We were scared of our teachers; but today our classrooms are something else. They’ve become a cross between a zoo and a roman orgy and I lay the blame squarely on an outrageous shortage of fear.
Students now aren’t afraid of anything – least of all of their teachers.
The time has come to expel bad attitudes and the culture of personal entitlement and bring back discipline for discipline`s sake ……. and teaching staff that can well and truly scare the sh** out of you !!
RSVP
Quiet weekend at home for Mecannylad & Mecannylass I`m afraid.
Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party you wouldn't be seen dead at !
Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party you wouldn't be seen dead at !
A new gambling experience
Gamblers. For a new spread-betting experience, try sending a letter to yourself from Eyam Post Office….
…. and whilst I am on the subject; local customers are now more likely to strike it lucky with their change from buying a stamp than they are from having a punt on a scratchcard. Chaos.
Beautifully precise don`t you think?
Mecannylad just adores the English language, and particularly how the simple folk of Eyam can put it to such beautifully pragmatic use at times.
Like yesterday, and the mother in full flow scolding her 10 year old son in our local village shop;
“You better behave yourself before there is a terrible misunderstanding between my foot and your arse”
Beautifully precise don`t you think !
Like yesterday, and the mother in full flow scolding her 10 year old son in our local village shop;
“You better behave yourself before there is a terrible misunderstanding between my foot and your arse”
Beautifully precise don`t you think !
Put your back into it man !
Gone are the days when Mecannylad could saunter into his local Woolworths and buy 10 completely different consumer products confident in the knowledge that each one was a quality item made in England.
These days it seems that everything under the sun is made in the People’s Republic of bloody China ….. and I’ll bet you a pound to a penny that it’s been thrown together in some backstreet commune or other.
It’s only a matter of time until the home economy has collapsed entirely and we Geordie`s are even buying our good old fashioned Pease Pudding from Xinjiang Province
Part of the damned problem is that Brits don’t want to work in manufacturing anymore – it’s not groovy to get your hands dirty these days. Our young people all seem to seek out employment at places like Experian (3 cheers for my old Experian pals incidentally) and be part of a knowledge-based economy. Well that’s just fine and dandy but it’s hard to keep your GDP propped up if the only damned thing a country is producing is information!
A retired Mecannylad says it’s time for the rest of you to roll up your sleeves and return to the assembly lines that made us great.
Something is troubling Mecannylad
The clement September weather here in the Peak District has turned Mecannylass` thoughts to pushing Mecannylad in the direction of the back garden.
I`ve been sweating away like James Corden in a cake shop.
But something is troubling me !
Please can readers put me out of my misery? …… I can't seem to think of another purpose for multi-purpose compost !!!
I`ve been sweating away like James Corden in a cake shop.
But something is troubling me !
Please can readers put me out of my misery? …… I can't seem to think of another purpose for multi-purpose compost !!!
Mecannylad : Nursing Consultant.
With all the pressure on the NHS these days, Mecannylad has come up with a cunning new efficiency move for hard pressed nursing staff.
When they lift patients from bed to bed, instead of lifting on the count of three, they should do it on the count of two ….. a 33% time saving in an instant !
When they lift patients from bed to bed, instead of lifting on the count of three, they should do it on the count of two ….. a 33% time saving in an instant !
The sweetest lady in Eyam
One of the sweetest ladies in Eyam is our ever smiling Dorothy. She is always rattling her charity tin for some local good cause or other.
Dorothy is forever immaculately turned out, but strangely always seems to wear the same headgear come rain or shine.
Mecannylad is wondering if he is the only one who's ever been tempted to light the wick on top of her beret?
Dorothy is forever immaculately turned out, but strangely always seems to wear the same headgear come rain or shine.
Mecannylad is wondering if he is the only one who's ever been tempted to light the wick on top of her beret?
Twitter ye not.
Mecannylad to perplexed village Postlady; “Hello, haven`t seen you here on this round before.”
“Only temporary ..... sorry I`m a little later than usual” says the Lady of Letters.
“I`m just standing in for Mrs Bird whilst she`s in hospital .... she`s having a cyst removed from her aviary.”
“Only temporary ..... sorry I`m a little later than usual” says the Lady of Letters.
“I`m just standing in for Mrs Bird whilst she`s in hospital .... she`s having a cyst removed from her aviary.”
Breathless !
You could be forgiven for thinking that the young farmers from these parts are, at worst, dour individuals or, at best, just simply shrinking violets.
.....but get them into the Miners Arms here in Eyam for the last hour and you`ll quickly realise that they are neither!
Overheard in the bar ..... Farmer to Landlord :
“I used to think I was fantastic in bed, then I found out that the girlfriend had asthma.”
Brilliant.
.....but get them into the Miners Arms here in Eyam for the last hour and you`ll quickly realise that they are neither!
Overheard in the bar ..... Farmer to Landlord :
“I used to think I was fantastic in bed, then I found out that the girlfriend had asthma.”
Brilliant.
Guilty !
The little buggers from down the village have ruined the horse-chestnut trees along our lane again as they harvest their annual haul of conkers,
Of course they have issued a strenuous denial …….which here in Eyam is as good as a signed confession !
World Affairs
Mecannylad likes to keep his eyes on world affairs and thinks that what Libya needs now that Gadaffi has gone is more of a moderate type of leader …… a sort of a mullah lite.
Thumbs up to all students
Mecannylad would just like to say a big thank-you to all those wonderful young hard up students who stand on motorway slip-roads in all weathers holding up boards telling us motorists where the road leads to..... Thankyou !
They say that all roads lead to Rome
They say all roads lead to Rome.
Not the A57.
Mecannylad drove along it yesterday and ended up in Worksop.
Not the A57.
Mecannylad drove along it yesterday and ended up in Worksop.
Thankyou very much, you are so kind.
You`ve got to take every compliment that comes your way when you are my age.
Mecannylad was delighted when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was 'outstanding' ….. particularly since I can't ever remember sending one in.
Mecannylad was delighted when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was 'outstanding' ….. particularly since I can't ever remember sending one in.
Remind me to tell the Duke the next time.
What a con the new foil wrapped fresh bread is at the Duke of Devonshire`s Farm Shop at Chatsworth.
It's supposed to last for 7 days. Mecannylad ate it in two !
It's supposed to last for 7 days. Mecannylad ate it in two !
Three cheers for Sheffield.
Just got back from a rare jaunt into Sheffield.
As Freddie Mercury sang, `fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round.`
.....I say it`s about time that the city of Sheffield received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics and song writing !
As Freddie Mercury sang, `fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round.`
.....I say it`s about time that the city of Sheffield received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics and song writing !
Keep Calm and Carry On
`We shall fight them on the beaches; we shall fight them in the fields and on the landing grounds`, said Churchill back in the 40s.
Unusual use of the word 'we' Mecannylad thinks. My dad was on Gold Beach in 1944 having the s**t shot out of him and he couldn't remember seeing Winnie anywhere.
Perhaps we missed the bit where Winston said ".... and we shall fight them 50 feet underground in a centrally heated, reinforced concrete bunker safely under Whitehall"
Mecannylad is all for the spirit of moving forward
The beauty about being retired is that you tend to have a little bit more time to read the more obscure parts of the Sunday Times Supplements on the following Monday.
Last Monday for example I read that the US and Britain have finally apologised for their part in the slave trade in the 18th and 19th centuries….. and so they should.
But in the spirit of going forward on this issue, Mecannylad also thinks that certain African tribes should now be thinking of apologising for cooking vicars in enormous metal cauldrons and stealing their top hats !
Last Monday for example I read that the US and Britain have finally apologised for their part in the slave trade in the 18th and 19th centuries….. and so they should.
But in the spirit of going forward on this issue, Mecannylad also thinks that certain African tribes should now be thinking of apologising for cooking vicars in enormous metal cauldrons and stealing their top hats !
Who`s talking?!
It`s been a lovely autumn day today here in the glorious Peak District.
Picture the scene. ……Mecannylad and Mecannylass are taking a break from babysitting their new Mecannygrandbairn. Mecannylad is sipping on a cold beer, sitting on the patio with his dearly beloved.
"You know, I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you" says Mecannylad with a surprise burst of affection.
... Mecannylass blushes and asks, "Ah, that’s sweet Mecannylad, but is that really you, or the beer talking?"
Mecannylad, sharp as a dart……. "It's me......... talking to the beer!
Picture the scene. ……Mecannylad and Mecannylass are taking a break from babysitting their new Mecannygrandbairn. Mecannylad is sipping on a cold beer, sitting on the patio with his dearly beloved.
"You know, I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you" says Mecannylad with a surprise burst of affection.
... Mecannylass blushes and asks, "Ah, that’s sweet Mecannylad, but is that really you, or the beer talking?"
Mecannylad, sharp as a dart……. "It's me......... talking to the beer!
Here`s knickers to you, George Alagaiah !
Mecannylad has been thinking.
Wouldn`t it add a bit of interest if both the BBC and ITV were able to weave a few Coronation Street type storylines into their daily television news bulletins ?
Just imagine, for example, ITV anchorman Mark Austin finishing a report on the Libyan Crisis before turning to give a lingering gay kiss to co-presenter Alastair Stewart!
Meanwhile, a mystery virus could perhaps sweep through the newsroom and, say, Katie Derham could produce an illegitimate baby to a mystery weatherman. It would be a cracking plot…… Think about it; the father's identity could even be revealed in a special double-length edition on Christmas Day.
And across at the BBC they could steal ITN's thunder with a sensational two-part cliff-hanger. Viewers could see heart-throb newsman George Alagaiah trapped in a blazing studio after bad boys Andrew Marr and Robert Peston douse petrol on a pile of half made knickers in the knicker factory downstairs.
Too far fetched ? Stranger things have happened, when you consider how over the past few years British TV news have lead with storylines such as Elton John becoming a father, Anna Ford marrying an astronaut and Jill Dando being murdered by a roller-skating Freddie Mercury impersonator !!
Wouldn`t it add a bit of interest if both the BBC and ITV were able to weave a few Coronation Street type storylines into their daily television news bulletins ?
Just imagine, for example, ITV anchorman Mark Austin finishing a report on the Libyan Crisis before turning to give a lingering gay kiss to co-presenter Alastair Stewart!
Meanwhile, a mystery virus could perhaps sweep through the newsroom and, say, Katie Derham could produce an illegitimate baby to a mystery weatherman. It would be a cracking plot…… Think about it; the father's identity could even be revealed in a special double-length edition on Christmas Day.
And across at the BBC they could steal ITN's thunder with a sensational two-part cliff-hanger. Viewers could see heart-throb newsman George Alagaiah trapped in a blazing studio after bad boys Andrew Marr and Robert Peston douse petrol on a pile of half made knickers in the knicker factory downstairs.
Too far fetched ? Stranger things have happened, when you consider how over the past few years British TV news have lead with storylines such as Elton John becoming a father, Anna Ford marrying an astronaut and Jill Dando being murdered by a roller-skating Freddie Mercury impersonator !!
What time is the next bus.
“I actually thought twice about venturing out this morning." confided our ancient village taxi driver to Mecannylad.
"I must admit, my good leg is a bit off these days…..and the old cataracts are playing me up. I can hardly move my neck because of this bloody arthritis of mine ….and my blood pressure has got me going as well," There was a further short silence before more reassurance.
"…………. but thank God it doesn`t affect my driving !!"
What time is the next bus!
It all seems nothing more than one big passing fad if you ask me.
OK … Mecannylad is going to be politically incorrect here … with a big P and a big I …but it seems nowadays you can’t swing your Louis Vuitton manbag without swatting a homosexual on his way to the downtown Bakewell Feng Shui Lounge for a banana smoothie or to the Sushi Hut in swinging Chesterfield for a bit of raw cod on a cocktail stick.
It all seems nothing more than one big passing fad if you ask me.
Brylcreem and Mohair suits
Those were the days … when Mecannylad listened to music by The Stargazers and Dickie Valentine … and Ronnie Carroll. Decent music with lyrics about seeing the moon,combing your hair or shining your shoes.
But today? …. it`s rap, rap and yet more rap. It’s nothing but half-screamed filth that sounds like it was recorded by a tourettes patient in the middle of a tourettes convention….. and don’t give me any of this nonsense about urban poetry.
When I went to a pop concert at Newcastle City Hall in the 60s we didn’t applaud when someone yelled obscenities and grabbed their crotch; no. We went for top to toe respectability. Brylcreem and mohair suits.
Mecannylad`s IQ test for real men.
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
The length of the penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
Women blink twice as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.
The women have read this entire test.
The men are still looking at their thumbs.
Now you`ve just got to believe this ...it`s true.
With villagers like this who needs a Comedy Club ?
Thats one in the eye for me !
These days it’s gotten so Mecannylad can’t turn around in his local village pub without getting poked in the eye with a breast the size of a savoy cabbage…… I think the Peak District femme fatale must be taking their bodies in for service more often than their bloody 4x4s!
Economy Motoring
I just love engaging our ancient villagers in idle conversation. Their cock-eyed logic is so endearing.
Whilst I was filling my car with fuel at the local garage earlier today I casually turned to the old fella at the adjacent pump and commented how scandalous fuel prices were these days.
" Aye son" he said, (son? I`m 65 for Gods sake) " Doesn`t bother me too much. I only put a tenner in at a time"
As he prepared to drive off in his Range Rover Sport the old giffa added "Mind you I can come here more than twice in the same day sometimes"
Whilst I was filling my car with fuel at the local garage earlier today I casually turned to the old fella at the adjacent pump and commented how scandalous fuel prices were these days.
" Aye son" he said, (son? I`m 65 for Gods sake) " Doesn`t bother me too much. I only put a tenner in at a time"
As he prepared to drive off in his Range Rover Sport the old giffa added "Mind you I can come here more than twice in the same day sometimes"
How to locate England on a map
I’ve always believed that when it comes to children of junior school age it’s best to keep information about human reproduction vague, cloaked in shame and even tinged with fear of biblical proportions. Kids should be dissecting field mice, not learning how to fornicate like them for Christ’s sake
When I was a cannylad in the back streets of good old Newcastle in the 50s I learned about the birds and the bees the proper way; via guesswork and extrvagantly illustrated cigarette cards. I thought a vulva was a Swedish car until I was 18….. and I never felt disadvantaged. So why do we get so hung up about providing sex education before today`s young kids have even learned the basics of long division and English grammar. Before we teach them how to locate a clitoris on a woman’s body why don’t we try teaching them how to locate England on a map.
Back a bit ...back a bit ...bit further ....thats fine.
Mecannylad wishes that the pregnant ITV weather presenter would just step back a little towards Liverpool so he can see what the weather is going to be like in the Peak District.
Personal grooming advice for Seniors
There`s a bloke who gets about our little village - probably in his eighties actually – who insists on still proudly wearing a single earing …. and a long straggly pony tail to boot.
Mecannylad thinks that earings look stupid on guys at 20 anyway, damn foolish at 40, and cringe-worthy with a capital C on a 60+ fella. …. They certainly have no bloody place on an octogenarian that’s for sure.
I say if you need to wear jewellery as an OAP get yourself a medic alert bracelet like the rest of us and stop acting like a great flashy git. …..and get a sensible haircut while you’re at it.
I don’t care how long you can contrive a pony-tail to be – if you have grey hair and bald patch then you’re as good as an old man.
Get yourself a comb-over and a modicum of self respect like the rest of us.
Mecannylad thinks that earings look stupid on guys at 20 anyway, damn foolish at 40, and cringe-worthy with a capital C on a 60+ fella. …. They certainly have no bloody place on an octogenarian that’s for sure.
I say if you need to wear jewellery as an OAP get yourself a medic alert bracelet like the rest of us and stop acting like a great flashy git. …..and get a sensible haircut while you’re at it.
I don’t care how long you can contrive a pony-tail to be – if you have grey hair and bald patch then you’re as good as an old man.
Get yourself a comb-over and a modicum of self respect like the rest of us.
What a hypocrite
Are you like Mecannylad ? There is always someone who you can`t stand …. but for the most obscure of reasons !
Well. What a complete hypocrite Paul McCartney is. He won't eat meat; but he's quite prepared to have ivory on his piano keyboard !
Well. What a complete hypocrite Paul McCartney is. He won't eat meat; but he's quite prepared to have ivory on his piano keyboard !
Get it right.
After a day of DIY, Mecannylad has a message for the makers of Dulux 'Once' emulsion paint.
……. I think the word you are looking for is 'twice'.
……. I think the word you are looking for is 'twice'.
Let them eat cake !
After years of watching the good people of Eyam fret about their flab, I was pleased to see our Sports Association committee trying to put on some kind of `get yourself in shape`course for the coming winter months.
The big problem however was always going to be enticing the Lord of Lard, his beloved Lady Love-Handle and the other assorted potentates (of which our village has far too many) to leave their cosey country piles.….so we decided on another `cake baking for beginners` course instead !
It starts next Tuesday !
The big problem however was always going to be enticing the Lord of Lard, his beloved Lady Love-Handle and the other assorted potentates (of which our village has far too many) to leave their cosey country piles.….so we decided on another `cake baking for beginners` course instead !
It starts next Tuesday !
It`s a dog`s life for some.
I was just settling down on the sofa to watch Match of the Day on TV when her dulcet tones filtered from the kitchen. "What would you like; chicken, beef or lamb?"
Assuming I was being offered a sandwich by my dear wife my reply was appropriately pitched I thought.
"Thank you darling, I think I`ll have the chicken if it`s not too much trouble."
The reply from the kitchen was instant. "You're having a packet of crisps;I was talking to the DOG !
..... I bet you`ve all been there fellas
Assuming I was being offered a sandwich by my dear wife my reply was appropriately pitched I thought.
"Thank you darling, I think I`ll have the chicken if it`s not too much trouble."
The reply from the kitchen was instant. "You're having a packet of crisps;I was talking to the DOG !
..... I bet you`ve all been there fellas
Don`t dare laugh, this is a real problem with dire consequences !
Thankfully I have no stairs to climb on the way to our bathroom.
However, that`s not the case for my good friend Bo in his rambling old farmhouse at the other end of the village.
When he climbs his staircase, he has to stop midway to catch his breath.
His main problem then is, when he is ready to start again, he can`t remember whether he was going up or coming down !
Getting old is a bugger.
However, that`s not the case for my good friend Bo in his rambling old farmhouse at the other end of the village.
When he climbs his staircase, he has to stop midway to catch his breath.
His main problem then is, when he is ready to start again, he can`t remember whether he was going up or coming down !
Getting old is a bugger.
Have you found yourself yet ?
Why on earth do the British youth of today need to run half way across the world just to “find themselves.” ?
Yesterday, I was talking to the landlord in our village pub about what his idiot son was planning to do now that he had finished university. He told me that he was taking a year off to `do` Europe.
A year off? What the hell is that? A year off from what exactly? Being driven to school in a Range Rover, having mum do your washing? He`s just completed his education …… not the 12 labours of Hercules for Christ’s sake.
In my dad`s day if you were 21 and went to Europe it was to fight the Nazis not to sample the menu at the Mellow Yellow Alternative Coffee Shop in Amsterdam or to sniff the hairy armpits of the frauleins in downtown Munich.
Mecannylad thinks young people need to attack their future not run half way across the world to escape it and “find themselves.”
.......and if you do need a year off to recover from university do us all a favour and stay in bloody Europe until you are able to manage an 8 hour day without getting a nosebleed.
Yesterday, I was talking to the landlord in our village pub about what his idiot son was planning to do now that he had finished university. He told me that he was taking a year off to `do` Europe.
A year off? What the hell is that? A year off from what exactly? Being driven to school in a Range Rover, having mum do your washing? He`s just completed his education …… not the 12 labours of Hercules for Christ’s sake.
In my dad`s day if you were 21 and went to Europe it was to fight the Nazis not to sample the menu at the Mellow Yellow Alternative Coffee Shop in Amsterdam or to sniff the hairy armpits of the frauleins in downtown Munich.
Mecannylad thinks young people need to attack their future not run half way across the world to escape it and “find themselves.”
.......and if you do need a year off to recover from university do us all a favour and stay in bloody Europe until you are able to manage an 8 hour day without getting a nosebleed.
What a wonderful life
Mecannylad is sitting with his cannylass watching the dawn break on another gentle autumnal Peak District morning …… and thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Mecannylad advocates zero tolerance for benefit cheats.
By all accounts JK Rowling makes much of the fact that she was a single mother on benefits whilst writing her very first Harry Potter book.
It follows therefore, does it not, that she is indeed one of the benefit cheats we in Britain are so keen to crack down on.
If anyone would like to `shop` her, the number to call is 0800 854440.
It follows therefore, does it not, that she is indeed one of the benefit cheats we in Britain are so keen to crack down on.
If anyone would like to `shop` her, the number to call is 0800 854440.
We are all going far too fast these days
Mecannylad has read that, apparently, both the Ferrari and Red Bull F1 teams hope that their sport`s governing body does more about limiting the speed today`s racing cars can travel at.
I wonder whether they have tried wrapping hair and carpet fluff around the rear axles?
……It certainly worked on my Scalextric way back in the 60s.
I wonder whether they have tried wrapping hair and carpet fluff around the rear axles?
……It certainly worked on my Scalextric way back in the 60s.
Thank God this rubbish has finished it`s run.
Deluded members of the great unwashed are invited to skillfully (?) choose Red Or Black in a number of contrived situations ….. whittling down the contestants until there is just one convicted criminal left ! Oh dear.
Big Mac;big nuisance.
Mecannylad is so glad that he hasn`t got a Mcdonalds burger joint anywhere near his lovely little village.
Note to the management of Mcdonalds: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in better with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows by your Rif- Raf customers.
Note to the management of Mcdonalds: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in better with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows by your Rif- Raf customers.
Attention all wife beaters …..
When hitting your wife, get hold of a crocodile, a string of sausages and a policeman to recreate some of that seaside magic for the kids
A simple wish
I really wish cinema goers would show more consideration to us pirate DVD viewers by having a pee before the film starts.
Belt up !
It never ceases to amuse Mecannylad that airline passengers are permitted to get up and move about the cabin whilst hurtling at 500mph, 30,000 feet above sea level yet must remain seated with their seatbelts fastened as the plane dawdles the three miles across the tarmac to the arrival gate at a measly 5mph.
Green fingers
Have you annoying bare patches on your lawn where your dog has peed? Then do as Mecannylad does and simply stop mowing a healthy patch adjacent to the damaged area and let it grow to a significant length.
Then, with a rake, sweep the longer grass over the bare patch rather like Sir Bobby Charlton`s hair …………. and hey presto; a perfect lawn again !
Absolutely true unfortunately.
Every village has one - an idiot that is – and Eyam is no exception.
Contrary to popular belief it is not Mecannylad but the silly sausage who was asking why our farmers always put their gates right next to the muddiest parts of the field?
Contrary to popular belief it is not Mecannylad but the silly sausage who was asking why our farmers always put their gates right next to the muddiest parts of the field?
Not tonight thankyou !
Every once in a while I question whether the standards of our society could stoop any lower ... and then something comes along that lowers the bar even further. The latest sign I have seen of social armageddon is something called The Rejection Phone Line.
Naturally The Rejection Line is the brainchild of a gum chewing New Yorker (where else I suppose?).
Picture this scenario: a Yanky Cannylad starts chatting up a Yanky Cannylass at a club....as you do. He asks for her phone number and she obliges. Not wanting to seem too pushy, Stateside Cannylad waits a few days, then calls her up …… only to get the big E from a professionally pre-recorded message !
And it gets worse. Forbes magazine has estimated the annual US 2011/12 turnover for this wonderfully thoughtful service (?) to be nearly one million dollars. That's MILLION with a capital "M."
I find it quite upsetting that people can make such obscene amounts of money on such an anti-social idea. The saving grace perhaps is that this absurd innovation hasn`t yet crossed the Atlantic ........ but give it time.
Careless Whisper
Mecannylad recalls how Marc Bolan, a great friend of Elton John died tragically young in a car crash. Freddy Mercury another great ally of the Rocket Man was also sady taken from us by AIDS. Gianni Versace, even yet another great mate of Elton, was cruelly cut down in his prime. And of course there was the Princess of Wales.
I`ll tell you what; if I were George Michael I`d be shitting myself now that he is rumoured to be back in Elton`s good books !
I`ll tell you what; if I were George Michael I`d be shitting myself now that he is rumoured to be back in Elton`s good books !
Well, wobble my web and call me Peter Parker.
If you are feeling that life is passing you by for whatever reason can I recommend you take a quick trip to your nearest second-hand comic book shop. Don`t buy anything .... just look around you. The sight of the assorted pond life in these sort of places discussing up and coming Spiderman conventions and cracking jokes in Klingon should but a smile –albeit a sorry one – on anybody`s face.
Shazam !
Shazam !
What do you mean?
Our lovely little village seems to be earning a reputation as a holiday haunt for the over 70s (they need to go somewhere I suppose)
Anyway, I overheard these two senior tourist couples as they were taking in the sights. They were comparing notes on their respective accommodation.
"How`s the cottage you are staying in Arthur?" said one
"Outstanding," was the reply. "It`s great."
"Really! What do you call it ?"
Arthur went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile of recognition broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" …… He turned to his wife, "Rose, what`s the name of that cottage we`re in again?"
Anyway, I overheard these two senior tourist couples as they were taking in the sights. They were comparing notes on their respective accommodation.
"How`s the cottage you are staying in Arthur?" said one
"Outstanding," was the reply. "It`s great."
"Really! What do you call it ?"
Arthur went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile of recognition broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" …… He turned to his wife, "Rose, what`s the name of that cottage we`re in again?"
Those were the days
Been remembering the times when I was still a worker and how, with monotonous regularity, colleague birthday cards would come round to sign. Ugh!!
I was becoming more and more p*****d off with the silly routine; I hardly ever knew most of the damned leavers anyway .... and consequently as a mischevious habit I would always write "Happy Birthday, all the best, from Tony"
So this particular day another card arrived on my desk for the usual signature.
"Happy Birthday, all the best, from Tony" ….It was my snotty Director`s retirement card, already signed by 60+ people. Bugger!
Those were the days.
I was becoming more and more p*****d off with the silly routine; I hardly ever knew most of the damned leavers anyway .... and consequently as a mischevious habit I would always write "Happy Birthday, all the best, from Tony"
So this particular day another card arrived on my desk for the usual signature.
"Happy Birthday, all the best, from Tony" ….It was my snotty Director`s retirement card, already signed by 60+ people. Bugger!
Those were the days.
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