Leaked confidential data from the UK 2011 census suggests that my wife and I - being proud Geordies -are probably as close as you can get to being the ethnic minority in our village.
Sources in the pub last night revealed that out of the 926 people living in Eyam non are recorded as being other than `Anglo Saxon` !
Is Mecannylad just another Townie on a collision course with the countryside? Can he hack it in the bracing air of the fabulous Peak District? Will he survive amongst the farming set and their prize winning friesians? ....... This staunch Geordie carries fond memories from the gritty back streets of 1960`s Tyneside when a Big Mac was nothing more than a raincoat, a joint was only the Sunday roast and going all the way was simply staying on the bus until the terminus.
Honour amongst Thieves !
It`s our world famous village carnival week here in Eyam this very week, culminating in the popular procession, sheep roast and beer festival on the Saturday.
Although allcomers are welcome to watch the proceedings - and literally thousands queue to do so - it is very much a case of honour amongst thieves.
There is no chance of you getting to know what really goes on .... but nuf to say it is unmissable; with many locals taking a holiday immediately afterwards as recuperation!
Would you believe it ?
I have been driving myself crackers all morning wondering how different my life would have been had I been born just a day earlier all those years ago !
I came to the conclusion that probably it wouldn't have been any different at all …..except that I would have asked that question yesterday !!
What boring, uninspiring sods !
As stakeholders and shareholders why do we always seem to condone the tens of thousands of `faceless ones` in today`s world of big business?
There seems to be no end of merit in lacking any sense of humour, any sense of pragmatism, or individuality ….. indeed, practically any sense of anything at all !
If you are saddled with these defects don`t worry …… it’s a fast track passport to the top.
…… I`m glad I`m well out of it !!!!
Roger and me
The pleasure of roaming around the beautiful Peak District with my faithful spaniel Roger is not merely to try to train him to be semi-human.
….. Surely the point of it all is the thrill of me becoming partly dog !
….. Surely the point of it all is the thrill of me becoming partly dog !
Ouch !
I have it on good authority that a Brazilian bikini wax is utter torture.
As a senior citizen, I have some sympathy ……. apparently the pain experienced is rather like me trimming my nose hair in a mirror ! Nasty
As a senior citizen, I have some sympathy ……. apparently the pain experienced is rather like me trimming my nose hair in a mirror ! Nasty
What is a calorie?
..... calories are the little bastards that worm their way into your wardrobe at nights and make your clothes tighter !
True test of friendship
Ever wondered who is your best friend? ….
Then try locking the family dog and your wife in the car for twenty minutes.
When you eventually get it open…….. which one is really happy to see you?
Then try locking the family dog and your wife in the car for twenty minutes.
When you eventually get it open…….. which one is really happy to see you?
Simples
I hate going to the doctors, so having a bit more time on my hands these days I tend to undertake regular self medical checks most mornings. Nothing fancy or too scientific you understand …..I simply stand naked in front of the bathroom mirror and ask myself; `Is it still where it's supposed to be?` `Does it still look like what it's supposed to look like?` and `does it still work? ` Simples.
Fishmore & Dolittle; Your local retirement consultancy
Now that I'm retired, I never really know what day of the week it is anymore.
All I know is, the morning the thick newspaper comes I dress up and go to church !
All I know is, the morning the thick newspaper comes I dress up and go to church !
Wrong again !
I was really ticked off the other night at the village pub quiz. We lost by one point.
The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
……………………….apparently it's Africa !!!!!!!!!!
Full of piss and vinegar
Don`t you just love bloody thick day trippers.
Overheard a couple in our local village art gallery cum shop; `That`s either a forgery or a damn clever original.` said one to another.
Honestly, some people are full of piss and vinegar……. It was in fact a photograph !
Overheard a couple in our local village art gallery cum shop; `That`s either a forgery or a damn clever original.` said one to another.
Honestly, some people are full of piss and vinegar……. It was in fact a photograph !
Sod the pressure on your Pension Pot …. there are bigger things to worry about.
Although, we might be getting closer to finding an answer to the likes of cancer, the irrevocable progress of science is still a worry. The implications are staggering. Have you ever considered that there is a possibility in the future for our process of ageing to be eliminated completely ? ….. humanity achieving physical immortality.
Science fiction you may cry …… more likely science fact if you ask me.
Just imagine the drastic implications for the structure of the human race. Unthinkable issues may evolve. Global "Age wars" for example, may break out between the young and the old as the young rebel against the elderly's increasing control of resources…… and who will decide how these mind-boggling technologies will be controlled and distributed ? Have a nice day.
How on earth do you lose a bloody cow?
Surrounded by cows (calm down dear; bovine!) as I am here in the Peak District it was mildly relevant and amusing to hear that a Bavarian dairy cow called Yvonne who, perhaps sensing that she was being fattened up for the slaughterhouse, has made a Colditz-style escape from her farm. This was way back on May 24 …. and she has been on the run ever since !
How on earth do you lose a bloody cow?
Attention all Geordie Golfers
ATTENTION ALL GEORDIE GOLFERS
1. Keep your back straight, knees bent & feet shoulder-width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick backswing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Dangerously non-cerebral
I just know my wife Jeanette will stamp her patent leather Russell & Bromleys in the face of any attempt by me to watch yet another football match live on TV tonight. It`s dangerously non-cerebral she says …. Just tell Joey Barton that !
My local supermarket has finally bowed to pressure from yours truly.....
...... and scrapped their checkout sign reading 'ten items or less.'
Strictly speaking the sign should read 'ten items or fewer.' ,,,, but the manager has side-stepped a complicated grammatical debate by changing the sign to: 'Up to 10 items.' !!!
Nice one David Bell - have you got nothing else better to do ?!
Strictly speaking the sign should read 'ten items or fewer.' ,,,, but the manager has side-stepped a complicated grammatical debate by changing the sign to: 'Up to 10 items.' !!!
Nice one David Bell - have you got nothing else better to do ?!
My morning got off to a bad start .....
......when I casually read the label on the stick deodorant I was about to use,
…..`Take off lid and push up bottom.` it said.
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